My experiences at the time seemed to support the notion that people in-world were hiding their activities from their better half in RL. God forbid my spouse finds out I'm role-playing sex in this virtual fantasyland!
Over the years, this has made for some funny stories where I've wondered what happened on the other side of the computer screen. People suddenly log out or go silent. One woman came back an hour later to say her 10-year-old son had walked into the room, and she had to minimize the window. Whoa!
Even today, I've had people explain they can only come online when their spouse is away. Some have said they have children and may have to log out at a moment's notice if something comes up.
Right now, I live alone. I have no constraints in my life, so I can come and go as I please. However, I've seen more and more couples lately, living their lives without constraints because they have chosen to be open and honest with their partner. Some of them even play Second Life together!
I've talked about this before; how much more liberated people seem to be in Second Life. Give them a new identity and anonymity, effectively disconnecting them from their real life, and consequently, giving them total freedom to say or do anything they want without fear of criticism or condemnation, and they become more playful, flirty, even sexual in a manner which I assume is there in their real life, percolating below the surface but held in check by the many constraints we all feel from our upbringing, religious teachings, peer group pressure, and social restrictions. As I jokingly said: You can go nuts without doing jail time!
In light of the above, I repeat my claim that in real life, the constraints we all feel may cause us to suppress all sorts of desires, urges, and kinks which may remain hidden our entire life or could come bursting into the daylight in inappropriate ways. Our partner, our spouse, the one with whom we should have the most trusting relationship, may be ignorant of this side of us because we are afraid of revealing these deep dark secrets out of fear of a negative response even from our spouse. How many marriages have come to a screeching halt at the discovery of a deep dark secret? But more importantly, why did somebody feel it necessary to keep that secret buried in the first place?
A1 and A2, a thirtysomething couple, have been married for over ten years now. They have two young children and look to be your normal suburban couple. (A1 has shared RL pictures.) But they both play Second Life. They are open and honest with one another, not just about SL but themselves, their desires and their fantasies. Apparently, the two of them meet up with other couples in RL, and SL serves as another way of living the dream. I once commented that A1 had a lot of RL pictures, and she explained it was to advertise themselves for possible RL connections.
B1 is around forty. Her husband introduced her to SL. In RL, the two of them have begun experimenting with D/s, and he has told her to use SL to further her D/s experiences by seeking other men, other dominants.
C1 and C2 have now been married for over 28 years in RL. They both play SL and are both fully aware of the other's activities. Recently, C1, who owns land, set up a house and decorated it for C2, her husband, and his SL girlfriend. C1 and I have been friends for over 14 years on SL and shared bits about our real lives. C1 and C2 are swingers in real life (married over 28 years!), and their SL is reflective of their openness and honesty in their own relationship.
D1 and D2 are married in RL with children and play together in SL. They decided to not get partnered in SL so as to give others the impression they were free and not tied down. They, too, play with other couples in RL, and their SL is merely an extension of their RL open marriage.
I commend these people for being open enough to share their SL with their partners, but it would seem, based on their RL stories, this openness extends into their real life. My question: If you're open enough to share your SL, does that mean you may be open enough to try other things in RL? If you are already open in RL, does that explain their openness in SL?
An example of the ultimate openness and acceptance
Back in the early 90's, I'm watching one of the talk shows, not quite as elevated as Oprah but not as low as Jerry Springer. A couple is being interviewed but we're given to understand they have a secret. Commercial break. We return to see two women. I look closer. Woman number two is the husband; he's dressed up in drag. The wife explains that her husband has always had a fetish for women's clothes and once a month he dresses up and the 2 of them go out for a drink together as 2 female friends. She goes on to say that her husband is a wonderful man, a great husband, a good lover and an excellent father; he just seems to have this one special quirk, and it is the only oddity out of an otherwise exemplary human being.
Now just mull that one over for a minute. We have a gentleman who has a fetish for woman's clothes. How in heaven's name did this couple arrive at a point where the man could bring this up with his wife? Who knows, maybe he told her about his fetish before they were married, and she married him anyways. The point is that their relationship was open and honest enough that they could discuss this. But look at the alternative. What if she had reacted to this discovery with, "Eew. Get away from me your goddamn weird-oh pervert!" Well, there's one relationship which would have come to a screeching halt, and there's one guy who would say to himself that he would never, ever again speak frankly with anybody about "his secret".
At some point she must have weighed the pros and cons and felt the balance sheet showed more benefits than liabilities. But picture what would have happened if the man felt so ashamed of his feelings that he never talked about them with his wife; he kept them hidden. Do I see a potential headline? "Respected family and businessman Fred Schwartz, seen here dressed up in drag in a photograph taken in the local bar Tom's Eatery, was arrested this past Saturday."
Final Word
Up to 50% of marriages end in divorce. Why? A number of people in a relationship as per my experience hide their SL activities from their partner. Why? The people above not only share their fantasy life in SL but share it, in some cases, in RL. Do I see a pattern?
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
-Mark Twain, his notebook dated 1984
-Mark Twain, his notebook dated 1984
I have a curious thought. Our partner, our spouse, is supposedly the most important, most intimate person to us in the world; supposedly the person we trust the most. And yet, there may be things about us, personal things, deep dark secrets, we dare not mention out of fear of a negative reaction. Now, our partner may not react negatively, and the problem may be our fear of a negative reaction from anybody, not just from them. But the above couples, at some point in their relationships, made the leap and succeeded.
References
my blog: Why do guys role play girls? (2,500 words, 12-minute read) - Jul 15/2022
It would seem that about 10% of the population is gay. That’s RL, Real Life. In SL, Second Life, the percentage is higher, a lot higher. In fact, I don’t think I can take ten steps without running into a lesbian. What gives?
my blog: Compersion: not thinking of yourself (1000 words, 4-minute read) - Jun 14/2022
polyamory (n) the practice of engaging in multiple romantic (and typically sexual) relationships, with the consent of all the people involved.
my blog: Second Life: We're not going to meet in Real Life. (1,600 words, 7-minute read) - Dec 17/2022
I first came to Second Life in January 2010, and it has never occurred to me to meet anybody in real life. I have other social media accounts like Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, etc. but there, too, I've never had the urge to meet somebody. The purpose of those platforms is to interact with people on those platforms, not in RL.
2024-08-22
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment