Breasts: Why are we so fascinated, if not obsessed?

Breasts, tits, jugs, fun bags, the female mammary glands just don't fascinate and titillate the male animal but seem to be a fundamental cornerstone of our society for men, women, and children as both a maternal and sexual symbol of femininity. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. But being curious, I wondered what science had to say about our collective obsession. Does a fish know it's living in a fishbowl? Can we step outside of ourselves and look at our culture in a more objective slash scientific fashion without necessarily being influenced by said culture? In researching this article, I've consulted a number of sources, links in the references section below. It would seem science is of the opinion our connection to breasts starts as babies, the source of our nourishment. Along with that, both baby and mother share the release of ocytocin, the "bonding" hormone.

As oxytocin is associated with trust, sexual arousal and relationship building, it's sometimes referred to as the “love hormone” or “cuddle chemical.” Oxytocin levels also increase when you're hugging someone and when you're experiencing an orgasm. Oxytocin is an essential hormone for childbirth and lactation.
-Oxytocin: What It Is, Function & Effects - Cleveland Clinic

Other researchers echo that idea.

Larry Young and Brian Alexander are two men who have recently released a book entitled The Chemistry Between Us: Love, Sex and the Science of Attraction. In this book the two men have intricately dissected all the emotional, biological and cultural elements behind the real reason men are so attracted to our boobs.

The authors firmly believe that straight men are obsessed by women’s boobs simply because of a hormone released during nursing, which helps to make that powerful bond between mother and child. They believe that men who were breastfed as children then grow up with an evolutionary drive for a strong nurturing bond with their female partners.
-Her Magazine: Why Are Men so Obsessed With Boobs? The Answer is Pretty Surprising… - Jun 21/2023

Wait! You're telling me I'm not a pervert? There's a legitimate scientific reason why I stare and drool?

I have to chuckle. In our culture, our gender roles, whether we agree with them or not, seem to be that the male is assertivem and the female is receptive: he steps forward and says hello; he's the one who calls the girl; he asks her to dance. Her option is to say yes or no to his advances. Yes, in modern times, the woman can be assertive but I'm talking about in general. And SL is merely a reflection of RL, albeit Second Life can be an exaggeration of real life. (Second Life Magnifies Real Life)

It's not a leer if the woman is interested.

The above amusing adage points out a conundrum we all must face dealing with the sometimes-conflicting circumstances of our desires and our mores. Science seems to indicate that as a man, I'm "hardwired" to be attracted to breasts and yet, our society dictates I must rein in my attraction to a respectable degree. In a 1993 episode of the TV comedy series Seinfeld (link below), the character George Constanza gets into trouble for staring at a woman's cleavage. Jerry explains, "Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun, you don't stare at it. It's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away."

But if the woman is interested
MM is a female friend in SL I've know for over 14 years. We've tried about everything together. We have a running gag together, a role play. She plays the part of the sexy siren, and I'm the enamored male, smitten by her beauty. I stare; I drool; I put one hand to my chest and say, "Be still my beating heart." She sends me photos of her flashing me, and I message back how I was looking at this on my phone (in RL) and walked into a lamppost. All in good fun. I think she enjoys being a woman, and she enjoys my attentions as I am trying in a lecherous but humorous manner to make her feel special as a woman. As I like to say: We all want to be "desired".

In MM's profile, she amusingly states, "I have the pussy; I make the rules." Let me add that she also has the tits. Ha, ha!

Ecdysiast, er, Stripper
Do larger breasts lead to more money? One would say yes, however my research has come up with conflicting reports. Some say it helps them attract male patrons, but others say its their ability to engage the customer which leads to high returns. I'm reminded of a joke I like to tell, describing women as a gift: The packaging may catch my eye, but it's the contents which keep me coming back for more.

An Observation about Second Life
I play SL as an extension of my RL. I'm not a vampire or a Neko or some fantasy character; I'm really playing myself. Obviously, without the usual RL constraints, but just a polite and respectful guy normally dressed in a suit and tie. Many, maybe the majority, do the same thing, but I recognize that some play an exaggerated version of their RL self, even a cartoon version of their own fantasy character. As such, some avatars are unrealistically disproportionate. I mean like big breasts. Hugh breasts. Breasts so large, they look like somebody has attached beach balls to their chest. Is this attractive? Is it a turn-on? Is it satisfying some sort of fetish? Of course, I can't help feeling this is more of a male fantasy, and the avatar in question has a high probability of being a GIRL (Guy In Real Life). (my blog: Why do guys role play girls? (2,500 words, 12-minute read) - Jul 15/2022)

An Observation about Real Life
As a man, for my entire life, I have been caught between a rock and a hard place. Look, but don't stare. But on more than one occasion, I've asked myself what the woman is trying to do. I worked in an office environment for a number of years where the dress code was business, sometimes business casual. Once in a while, one woman I knew would come in with a blouse or sweater with a lower cut, showing off her V, that is, her cleavage. I confess, one time I glanced for just a second too long and realized, she was pulling a sweater over her shoulders to cover herself. My bad. But why was she wearing something which could be construed as "sexually appealing"? Was she doing this for her husband? Did it make her feel good about herself? I still questioned in an official business setting if this was appropriate. People in an office are supposed to work together, not flirt with one another. Now, I can hear people complaining about me being a perv in this scenario but is there a line between dressing in a reasonable manner, even attractive, but then crossing the line into sexy?

I go to a gym on a regular basis. The majority of people dress for working out; they are not making a fashion statement. Many wear tops like t-shirts; I always wear a polo shirt. However, some women wear a top with a bare midriff; some are skimpier like a bikini top. I'm sure somebody's going to feel I'm being sexist or demonstrating The Double Standard, but I'm asking what the objective is in wearing something less about the practicality of exercising and more about being fashionable. But I have a male example.

Several years ago, there was a guy who was obviously gay, effeminate in his mannerisms. He would wear a top with a bare midriff with shorts which were more short shorts. He displayed a lot of skin. At times, he seemed to "prancing and preening": exaggerated movements, rolling up the edge of his shorts to make them even shorter. I had the distinct impression he was showing off as if he was trying to make himself attractive to others. I found this behavior oddly out of place. We were all there to work out, not flirt with one another.

Random question: Is the female breast, like the male breast, nothing more than a breast?
There are women movements seeking equality between the sexes.

Free the Nipple is a topfreedom campaign created in 2012 during pre-production of a 2014 film of the same name. The campaign highlights the general convention of allowing men to appear topless in public while considering it sexual or indecent for women to do the same and asserts that this difference is discriminatory, contravening women's rights. The campaign argues that it should be legally and culturally acceptable for women to bare their nipples in public.
-Wikipedia: Free the nipple

Topfreedom is a cultural and political movement seeking changes in laws to allow women to be topless in public places where men are permitted to be barechested, as a form of gender equality. Specifically, the movement seeks the repeal or overturning of laws which restrict a woman's right not to have her chest covered at all times in public. In addition, topfreedom advocates seek allowing nursing mothers to openly breastfeed in public.
-Wikipedia: Topfreedom

Sexual Identity
I'm sure every woman is well acquainted with guys and their, ahem, dicks.

Body Image: Many women regard their breasts as important to their sexual attractiveness, as a sign of femininity that is important to their sense of self. A woman with smaller breasts may regard her breasts as less attractive.
-Wikipedia: Breast

As a man, I can speak about male confidence: Am I large enough? Can I get erect? Can I sustain an erection? Heck, can I even get aroused and cum? Of course, later on in life, there's a strong probability some of us are going to face the inevitable: erectile dysfunction and/or sexual dysfunction. Am I still a man if I can't get it up?

I've wondered: Are female breasts the counterpart to the male organ as a fundamental part of our sexual identity? I suspect the answer may be yes to varying degrees. My research shows that more than 100,000 U.S. women undergo some form of mastectomy each year, typically to treat breast cancer, but also to prevent the risk of breast cancer, and that more than 73% of breast cancer survivors are at risk of experiencing sexual problems known as sexual dysfunction.

I started this article to look at the amusing tendency of men to be attracted to / fascinated by / obsessed with breasts. But for the woman, there can be a serious side to the story.

Interesting / Amusing facts about breasts

• Motorboating: It means the activity of putting one's face between a woman's breasts, and rocking turning one's head rapidly from side to side while making a noise like a motorboat. -Urban Dictionary
  FYI: I first time I heard this term, I laughed out loud. Who the dickens makes this stuff up?
• Male or female, we all start with the same building blocks.
  All human individuals—whether they have an XX, an XY, or an atypical sex chromosome combination—begin development from the same starting point. During early development the gonads of the fetus remain undifferentiated; that is, all fetal genitalia are the same and are phenotypically female. After approximately 6 to 7 weeks of gestation, however, the expression of a gene on the Y chromosome induces changes that result in the development of the testes. -Sex Begins in the Womb: National Center for Biotechnology Information
• It is estimated that 1% of adult women (one to two million) in the U.S. have had breast augmentation. -National Center for Biotechnology Information, 2010 Winter
• World's Largest Natural Breasts: 102 ZZZ
  Annie Hawkins-Turner, better known by the stage name Norma Stitz, is an American fetish model. Her pseudonym is a wordplay on "enormous tits", a result of gigantomastia. She holds the Guinness World Record for largest natural breasts. -Wikipedia - CNN reports her breasts weigh 89 pounds.

Final Word
There is a biological basis for our interest in mammary glands. However, that can't be an excuse; we must still follow the norms of respectable society. You can peek at the sun, but you shouldn't stare at it.

I end with an amusing t-shirt. Ignore the sexual and look only at the maternal, and there is something comforting about boobs. They can make all of us, man, woman, or child, feel a little calmer, and a little more centered.

References

Wikipedia: Breast
Humans are the only mammals whose breasts become permanently enlarged after sexual maturity (known in humans as puberty). The reason for this evolutionary change is unknown. Several hypotheses have been put forward.

Live Science: New Theory on Why Men Love Breasts - Mar 17/2016
Why do straight men devote so much headspace to those big, bulbous bags of fat drooping from women's chests? Scientists have never satisfactorily explained men's curious breast fixation, but theorists are gonna theorize. So let's take a tour of the sexy speculation surrounding the human bosom — with a few stops to explain why it's so hard to figure out just why breasts hold such allure.

Her Magazine: Why Are Men so Obsessed With Boobs? The Answer is Pretty Surprising… - Jun 21/2023
A new book written by two men seeks to answer and explain the age old question: why are men so obsessed with boobs?

The Huffington Post: Breasts: The Real Reason Men Love Them - Sep 25/2012
By Larry Young, Ph.D., Contributor and Brian Alexander, Contributor Jokes about breasts, and men looking at breasts, are such a comedy staple they've become a kind of go-to cliché. How many times have we seen a man talking to a curvaceous woman only to have her point to her own eyes and say "Hey, buddy, up here!"?

It's funny -- or, at least, it was funny the first dozen times we saw it -- because it's true. The male eye does have a way of drifting south. But why? Why are heterosexual men so fascinated by women's breasts that we sometimes act as if the breasts are the seat of the soul?

World Wide Words: Ecdysiast
A writer for the Washington Post in August 2011 had it spot on: “ecdysiast is a fancy word for stripper”. It was coined in 1940 and has had only sporadic success, perhaps being thought too odd-looking a word or too high-falutin for so earthy a pursuit... [It was] created by H L Mencken, the American critic and author of The American Language from Ecdysis, taken from the Greek ekdusis, shedding or moulting.

Published May 21/2013 by TEDx Talks
YouTube: The Chemistry Between Us: Larry Young at TEDxEmory (18:06)

Wikipedia: The Chemistry Between Us (book)
The Chemistry Between Us: Love, Sex, and the Science of Attraction is a 2012 book by the American neuroscientist Larry J. Young and the journalist Brian Alexander, in which the authors examine the neurobiological roots of love.

Published Jan 2/2017 by UberDurable
YouTube: Seinfeld - Cleavage Etiquette (with Denise Richards) (1:43)

Wikipedia: The Shoes (Seinfeld)
"The Shoes" is the 56th episode of the NBC television sitcom Seinfeld. It is the 16th episode for the fourth season, and first aired on February 4, 1993. In the episode, Elaine is upset at Jerry and George dropping her character from their proposed Jerry series, which then becomes endangered when George is caught staring at the cleavage of NBC executive Russell Dalrymple's teenage daughter.

2024-08-31

Second Life and Politics

Personally, I avoid all politics when I log in. I'm apolitical or nonpolitical. I come to SL to live my second life, not my real life. I don't discuss the news; I don't talk about The Right or The Left. I have no opinion on any of the political parties or the candidates. While politics is a global topic, I suppose I'm especially saying this for Americans, now living through one of the most divisive periods in their history.

But in saying I don't talk about politics, it doesn't mean I'm not political. I live my beliefs.

In my Second Life, all are welcome: straight, gay, transgender, intersex, any facet of humanity connected to LGBTQ+. I identify as a straight male, but I accept all. I'm vampire, furry, Neko, and anime friendly. It might not be my thing, but I accept your thing, and I will defend your right to your thing. It you're not violating Linden Lab's TOS (Terms of Service), all is good. Nuff said.

All are welcome: black, white, brown, yellow, red, any color. Any language (I'll do my best with Google translator), and any religion, although, in my corner of SL, religion probably never comes up. Any age, class, education level, ethnicity, or country. All are welcome: short, tall, big, small, fat, skinny, dog, horse, minotaur, or even a three-headed monster. As I said, your thing may not be my thing, but that doesn't mean I won't be polite and respectful. I can be friendly with anybody.

In SL, we are not living RL so we usually don't talk about RL. It seems obvious.

However, being an avid profile reader, I've noted that a few people, probably for the most part Americans, state clearly and unequivocally their political affiliation. In this blog, I've explained how I use profiles to separate the wheat from the chaff, so to speak. I don't have time to talk to everybody, so I use profiles to narrow down the list of potential candidates with whom I might strike up a conversation. If I see a statement of political affiliation, I may take a pass. I don't want to run the risk of wasting my time talking about politics. And that particular political affiliation may very well indicate to me that we would not be morally, ethically, socially, or spiritually aligned. Why should either of us fruitlessly spend time with somebody who's incompatible?

Final Word
I'm not political but I live my beliefs. If you, too, say you live your beliefs, I would ask if your RL reflects your SL. Are you kind, generous, open, and accepting? I'm not against anybody on this planet, however, I'm certain there are people on this planet who are against me. I borrowed a phrase from the 1960s hippies and say that I'm a peace, love, and understanding type of guy. We're all in this together. Let's make it a good life for all people in all worlds.


References

my blog: Your fantasy is not my fantasy, but I accept it anyway. (1,000 words, 4-minute read) - Jun 12/2024
Elsewhere on this blog, I've said that we all come to Second Life to explore this virtual fantasyland but end up exploring ourselves. In opening up those hidden recesses of our minds and bringing into the light of day our secret urges, kinks, and possibly fetishes, we have to look ourselves in the mirror and admit to liking things that in RL, we wouldn't dare to say out loud for fear of criticism, condemnation, and heck, maybe even jail time if not a stay in an institution for psychiatric observation. In other words, we could very well be scared sh*tless of being found out.

my blog: Heteroflexible: Not Bi But Dabbling (1,000 words, 4-minute read) - Jun 12/2024
I've said elsewhere in this journal that in this virtual fantasyland, with a new identity and anonymity, we are free to say or do anything we want without fear of criticism or condemnation. However, we remain irrevocably our RL mind and as such, bring into SL all of our RL baggage, our fears, our prejudices, and an unwillingness to look at the world in a way which contradicts how we live our real life. In other words, we are not ready for Second Life; we are not ready to live a new life unchained from the shackles of our Puritanical traditions.

my blog: On the Internet, Nobody Knows You're a Dog (500 words, 2-minute read) - Jun 16/2021
I've been amused over the years to discover that on SL, there are none of the barriers that exist in RL. Regardless of age, wealth, class, education, experience, or country, we are, for the most part, equal. We are all merely disembodied minds.

my blog: Why do guys role play girls? (2,500 words, 12-minute read) - Jul 15/2022
It would seem that about 10% of the population is gay. That’s RL, Real Life. In SL, Second Life, the percentage is higher, a lot higher. In fact, I don’t think I can take ten steps without running into a lesbian. What gives?

2024-07-29

What's up with high heels?

(1,300 words, 6-minute read)

For a number of years I have theorized that if I took two pictures of the same woman except in one photo the woman was wearing flats and in the other the woman was wearing high heels, guys would invariably prefer the photo with the high heels. It seems a given. It seems like an a priori truth. Of course, I'm a guy so my opinion may be a tad affected by my hormones.

But at some point, being not only a testosterone fueled guy but an inquisitive one, I wondered why high heels are supposedly more attractive and when I say attractive, I was wondering if this was sexual in nature. Wait! Isn't it all about sex? Ha ha. There's that primordial urge again. Yeah, yeah, yeah, FTD delivers on Saturdays, romance is not dead, but at the heart of it, in our genes (jeans?) is the hardwired compulsion to propagate the race.

Today's word of the day is lordosis. This refers to the ventral arching of the back that is the curve of the back is inwards towards the stomach. According to my research it would seem others before me with a long list of letters after their names have posed the same question about high heels and made the connection to the birds and the bees, namely "lordosis behavior", a physical sexual posture seen in female animals. The back is arched inward (ventral arching) which helps to elevate the hips as an invitation to mate and as an aid in intercourse. Yes, this shows up in the Kama Sutra but is better known on the street as doggy style.

All of this apparently connects back to high heels for two reasons. First of all, the heel changes a woman's posture so that her derriere is raised and her chest is pushed out resulting in a certain curve of the spine. There's the connection to lordosis behavior. Secondly, it would seem we all have some innate sense of the proper length of the human leg for the purposes of mating and high heels apparently extend the female leg to what is considered a more favorable length. That favorable length is considered part of an evolved mate-selection mechanism where length means better long-term health and hence a better partner. It seems both curious and amusing to think we can reduce a man's wide eyes and wolf whistles to a scientific explanation based on animal behavior. On the other hand, when a woman calls a man an animal there may be more to it than just a comment on the man's unflinching singularity of purpose.

High Heels: empowerment or oppression?
The debate rages on. While some so-called experts associate this fashion accoutrement with sexual objectification, others see it associated with power. Flats may be comfortable but seem to say demure. Heels project power and one woman pointed out the natural result of getting to the same eye level as male colleagues.

There is however a limit. Yes, high heels are inextricably linked to sex but going too high can be too sexy. Professional situations demand a professional look and the consensus of opinion that while a three or four inch heel is acceptable, anything higher is just too much of a sexual message. Oh and it would seem that stilettos are always a no-no at work.

NBC News quotes Dr. Helen Fisher, anthropology professor at Rutgers University in New Jersey, who believes sky-high heels are just too sexy for most workplaces:

"High heels thrust out the buttocks and arch the back into a natural mammalian courting — actually, copulatory — pose called 'lordosis,'" Fisher said. "Rats do it, sheep do it ... lions do it, dogs do it. ... It is a naturally sexy posture that men immediately see as sexual readiness. [Heels] are a 'come hither' signal. ... When women wear high heels at work, they send sexual signals that should be avoided if they want to be taken seriously."

The Science
From Redbook quoting Jena Pincott, author of "Do Gentlemen Really Prefer Blondes?":

The stuff you strut is more sensual when you're up on your toes, says Pincott: "Heels force your pelvis to tilt so that both your rear end and chest stick out." One study showed that leg lengths 5 percent longer than average are the most attractive, so for most women, a 1.5- to 3-inch heel would create the ideal leg length. "This attraction might be evolutionary, because long legs are associated with better long-term health, which would appeal to a mate," says Pincott. "Plus, much like a peacock flaunts his feathers, which are really quite heavy and a nuisance, a woman teetering in heels can show off her fitness and coordination."

I believe the study referred to above is a 2008 Polish one called "Adaptive preferences for leg length in a potential partner":

It has been shown that height is one of the morphological traits that influence a person's attractiveness... we study how leg length influences attractiveness in men and women. ... male and female pictures with shorter than average legs were perceived as less attractive by both sexes ... Because leg length conveys biological quality, we hypothesize that such preferences reflect the workings of evolved mate-selection mechanisms.

And from Wikipedia: High heeled footwear:

In modern society, high-heeled shoes are a part of women's fashion, perhaps more as a sexual prop. High-heels force the body to tilt, emphasizing the buttocks and breasts, highlights of a woman's sexuality. They also emphasize the role of feet in sexuality, and the act of putting on stockings or high-heels is often seen as an erotic act. This desire to look sexy and erotic continues to drive women to wear high-heeled shoes, despite causing significant pain in the ball of the foot, or bunions or corns, or Hammer toe. A survey conducted by the American Podiatric Medical Association showed some 42% of women admitted that they would wear a shoe they liked even if it gave them discomfort.

Final Word
Okay, as much as I or anybody else can dress this up as behavioral science, or the ebbs and flows of fashion, there does seem to be some fundamental connection to the biological nature of our most primordial of urges. Sorry folks, it really does always come back to sex. Then again, instead of trying to sweep this under the rug maybe we should admit it right up front and come to accept that men are men and women are women. Vive la différence!

Personally I am amused by my own behavior. I hear the telltale click of heels on the floor and I just have to look. "I'm not going to look. I'm not going to look." I can't not look. "D'oh!" It is as instinctive as breathing. Okay, I do try not to stare but I myself have to chuckle when I realise that it isn't just me, it's men in general. The click of a heel is like a Pavlovian bell which makes our heads turn. Sometimes I watch other men as a woman in heels walks by and it is quite hilarious to see the craned necks. Yes, sometimes you may think to yourself "oink oink" but I, for one, will try to be polite by giving you an admiring look as opposed to an alarming stare. (Old joke: It's only a leer if the woman is not interested.) And don't forget that if you sometimes find those looks worrisome, imagine how worrisome it would be if you didn't get any looks at all.

But trust me, as long as there is breath in this old body, I'll keep looking. This is where I wolf whistle. :-) (YouTube: wolf whistle)


References

Wikipedia: Lordosis
Lordosis is a medical term used to describe an inward curvature of a portion of the lumbar and cervical vertebral column.

Wikipedia: Lordosis behavior
Lordosis behavior, or mammalian lordosis, is a physical sexual posture seen in female mammals, including mice, cats and many others, the primary characteristic of which is a ventral arching of the spine. During lordosis, the spine curves so that the apex points in the ventral direction. That is, the spine arches inward toward the abdomen.

Redbook
Surprising Sex-planations: The Science Behind Sex
You know that sex makes you feel closer to your guy, that stilettos are totally hot, and that hitting the sheets together feels completely different from satisfying yourself solo — but have you ever wondered why?

NBC News - Sep 23/2009
Do high heels empower or oppress women? By Laura T. Coffey
OK, ladies, think fast: Do high heels empower women in the workplace, or do they oppress us and ultimately harm us?

Ethology (site in Russian, this paper in English) - 2008
Adaptive preferences for leg length in a potential partner
by Piotr Sorokowskia, Boguslaw Pawlowskib
Here, we study how leg length influences attractiveness in men and women. Stimuli consisted of seven different pictures of a man and seven pictures of a woman in which the ratio between leg length and height was varied from the average phenotype by elongating and shortening the legs. One hundred men and 118 women were asked to assess the attractiveness of the silhouettes using a seven-point scale. We found that male and female pictures with shorter than average legs were perceived as less attractive by both sexes.

Wikipedia: High-heeled footwear
High-heeled footwear (often abbreviated as high heels or simply heels) is footwear that raises the heel of the wearer's foot significantly higher than the toes. When both the heel and the toes are raised equal amounts, as in a platform shoe, it is technically not considered to be a high heel; however, there are also high-heeled platform shoes. High heels tend to give the aesthetic illusion of longer, more slender legs. High heels come in a wide variety of styles, and the heels are found in many different shapes, including stiletto, pump (court shoe), block, tapered, blade, and wedge.

2024-07-19

A Constant State of Arousal

This sort of started as a joke with myself, but the more I thought about it, the more I felt there was some truth to it all.

I put together the above meme to summarize a good day for me. While sex isn't everything, sex is an important part of our lives. Years ago, I calculated that percentagewise, if we looked at our lives, work, sleep, play, etc., probably sex only takes up 1% of the overall time. And yet, as I suggested, it is an important part of our lives. If sex is going well, everything else seems to fall into place. Sure, we have problems, but the load seems a little lighter if this part of our lives is satisfying.

But let me clarify. When I said 1%, I was referring to the actual act of sex. (Your mileage may vary.) In our lives, there is intimacy, secondary sex, if you will. Kissing, hugging, a wink, or a flirtatious remark whether verbally or written (email, IM).

“Erotic couples understand that foreplay is not something you do 5 minutes before sex begins.
Foreplay pretty much starts at the end of the previous orgasm.”
–Esther Perel (b 1958), Belgian psychotherapist

Years ago, I had a job where I had to take the subway to work around 8:30 am. On the platform, there was an advertisement for a women's clothing line, a woman in a business outfit, sophisticated, classy, not at all revealing. She stood with her back to the camera, her head turned, looking at me. I found this quite seductive, the promise of unspoken potential passion. It gave me a tingle, and I quite enjoyed that charge before stepping on the train for my thirty minute ride to the office. As I said above, it reminded me that I was alive.

A Constant State of Arousal
The term Edging refers to prolonging sexual pleasure by postponing your orgasm. Instead of cumming and moving on to post-sex relaxation, you remain in a state of sexual tension. It is said that when you finally do have an orgasm, your release will be that much more intense. The lesson is to not always rush to completion but to prolong and intensify your experience by enjoying the ride. Old Chinese prover: The journey is the reward. Yes, an orgasm is good, but getting there can also be fun.

Edging as such is the deliberate act of avoiding orgasm. What I'm talking about here is something more subtle. An erotic photo, a naughty thought, or flirting is not overtly sexual as may be the case in edging, but can still have an effect on us even if we may not be fully aware of the underlying sexual nature of the stimulus. I would say the proper word is probably anticipation. Does our body release hormones, starting the process of preparing itself for the possibility of sex? That may seem ridiculous but I would compare it to a myriad of other experiences where we have a natural and involuntary reaction. We see a good piece of food and our mouth waters. We see a scary insect and we flinch. We see a child playing and we smile. What I'm contending here is that we may also have an involuntary response to things of a sexual nature but sexual in a more subtle fashion.

The other day, in SL, I visited a club which will remain nameless. There was music, dancing, and the opportunity to meet other people. There was anticipation in the air. All those people represented a potential moment of passion. I also knew the furniture included sex animations. It was an atmosphere of possibilities. I couldn't help feeling the entire place had a certain vibe to it which gave me a tingle. I couldn't say there was anything specific, but I did feel an expectation of something exciting about to happen. Now something exciting does not happen all the time. Many times, nothing happens and I never talk to anybody, spending my time reading profiles. Nevertheless, there seemed to be an electrical charge in the air as if, at any moment, I was going to walk right into the next big thing.

Now, I'm sure anyone would chuckle at such a description. While this is SL, go to any nightclub in RL and you can have exactly the same feeling. My point is that this sense of anticipation could very well be interpreted as sexual arousal, maybe not as explicit as other things, but I can't help feeling our bodies are reacting in pretty much the same way.

Inara Pey is an extraordinarily prolific SL blogger. - If you don't know her work, she is a must-read. (https://modemworld.me/) - In one of her latest pieces, Of Angels in Pain in Second Life (July 5/2024), Ms. Pey visits Angel of Pain (SURL), a BDSM playground of Susann DeCuir, providing both narrative and pictures of this remarkable and extensive full Region. The following picture comes from one of my visits to the area.

I visited the area and snapped a few pics. I saw erotic sculptures. I discovered furniture with sex animations. I saw erotic art. While I was alone and never engaged in anything sexual, I was surrounded by a sexual element and admittedly felt a tingle.

It's my job to have a tingle
I'm sure some of you will be amused by my idea of a tingle, but it occurred to me that some have turned this into a career.

Helmut Newton (1920–2004) was a German-Australian photographer. The New York Times described him as a "prolific, widely imitated fashion photographer whose provocative, erotically charged black-and-white photos were a mainstay of Vogue and other publications." -Wikipedia

Newton was a prolific photographer of fashion, mostly in black and white, a style, which in my view, does have an erotic tone to it. A look at his opus (Google image search) will show you what I mean. It strikes me that here was man who's very job centered around a tingle, working with fashion models and creating sexy shots.

Luis Royo (born 1954) is a Spanish artist. He is best known for his fantasy illustrations published in numerous art books, magazines such as Heavy Metal and various other media including book and music CD covers, video games and Tarot cards. -Wikipedia

Royo has created in the domain of comics an oeuvre of erotically charged images and story lines. (Google image search. One of my favourite images: The Blue Prince 07 from Prohibited Book II, an erotic retelling of Beauty and the Beast..) Once again, here's a man who's very work centers around the creation of a tingle.

What does science say about this?
Being forever curious, I looked up some scholarly articles on the question of sexual arousal. From WebMD: Sexual arousal releases a brain chemical that revs up your brain’s pleasure and reward system. Sex and intimacy can boost your self-esteem and happiness.

Final Word
I have joked with a few people I know, responding to an erotic picture they've posted, that I was officially awarding them my Tingle of the Day, sending them the meme I created above. I'm not doing anything sexual, but they are reminding me of something sexual, giving me the promise of possible things to come.

I amusingly titled this article a constant state of arousal, speculating that this tingle I'm talking about is, in some way, a mild form of sexual arousal. Sex sells, as they say, and whether we realize it or not, our bodies are involuntarily reacting to stimuli all around us.

I know this sounds a little crazy, but I'm suspicious the very act of logging into Second Life gives us a tingle, sparking our imaginations and giving us a sense of anticipation about the wonders which may await us. As I said above, it reminds us that we are alive.


References

WebMD: What is Edging in Sex?
Edging is a method of stretching out how long it takes to reach orgasm during sex. Partners learn to communicate and stop sexual stimulation before orgasm. They can explore other ways to touch one another, allowing themselves to cool down before continuing. This not only delays climax but can make orgasms more intense when they finally happen.

WebMD: 10 Surprising Health Benefits of Sex
Sex not only feels good. It can also be good for you. Here’s what a healthy sex life can do for you.
1. Helps Keep Your Immune System Humming
2. Boosts Your Libido
3. Improves Women's Bladder Control
4. Lowers Your Blood Pressure
5. Counts as Exercise
6. Lowers Heart Attack Risk
7. Lessens Pain
8. May Make Prostate Cancer Less Likely
9. Improves Sleep
10. Eases Stress

my blog: I'm a man. Feb 17/2022
I like to say that I'm a man of passion: passion in work, passion in play, passion in living, and of course, passion in love... and lust... passion makes the world go ‘round... passion makes life worth living.

2024-07-12

Heteroflexible: Not Bi But Dabbling

I've said elsewhere in this journal that in this virtual fantasyland, with a new identity and anonymity, we are free to say or do anything we want without fear of criticism or condemnation. However, we remain irrevocably our RL mind and as such, bring into SL all of our RL baggage, our fears, our prejudices, and an unwillingness to look at the world in a way which contradicts how we live our real life. In other words, we are not ready for Second Life; we are not ready to live a new life unchained from the shackles of our Puritanical traditions.

When I first came to SL in 2010, homophobia seemed to be rampant. Gays, transgender, cross-dressers, etc. were all hiding in the closet, only occasionally peeking out to test the waters. Today, in 2024, people are much more open. I've perused a number of female profiles this year to discover the RL mind behind the curtain has clearly stated they are a man in RL. So there!

An amusing story. Over and over again, I've seen a woman's profile stating voice-verified and imagined the woman put that in her profile because she had been pestered with questions about her gender. Homophobia is alive and well. But then I saw an amusing entry in one woman's profile: How come I never see men "voice verified"?

I identify as straight, a heterosexual man. And yet, I've been intimate with a man. I see your furrowed brow; you're confused.

If you put me in front of a woman and a man, I will choose the woman 100% of the time. But under certain conditions, if the planets align or some other amusing astrological reference, I have been known to be sexual with my own gender. It's rare, but it has happened. And why not? When opportunity knocks and all that.

I have a female friend, M, who occasionally likes to have two men at once, otherwise known as MMF (Male Male Female). She likes to be the center of attention; she likes to be the filling in a manwich. The last time she found another partner, she explained me to the other man by saying, "He won't freak out if your cocks touch." — I still laugh over that. — Obviously, in an MMF situation, two men are going to come into contact with each other and while that, unto itself, isn't gay, any man has to leave any possible homophobia at the door and work as a team to focus their attention on the woman and her pleasure. I want to do my part in realizing my friend's fantasy as her pleasure is important to me. However, in these situations, there may be more. M and I once met another couple at a club, an open and liberated couple. It turned out that the man was bisexual, like really bisexual, and one night when his partner was tired and went home early, the three of us carried on with M and I putting this man in the middle. I may not be gay, but I can joke that I did rise to the occasion.

According to my research, up to 10% of the population in RL is gay. (A more recent number from Gallup pegs it at 7.1%.) In SL, the number is higher, maybe a lot higher because of guys playing girls. (Why do guys role play girls?)

Just now, I did some googling and found various studies, articles, etc. saying that homophobia has been on the rise over the past few years. Personally, I think it has always been there as political correctness seems to have been keeping it in check to a certain degree. But now that PC has become a supposed bad thing, people feel at liberty to speak out.

My point? For a long time, being gay has been not just frowned upon but condemned as immoral and unnatural. (see links below in References) Being gay meant staying in the closet. Am I bringing the wrath of God down upon my head with this article? In my posting Self-confidence: I'm know I'm good, I talk about how I see myself. I know I'm not great, but I know I'm good. How good? Kissing a man does not diminish my masculinity. As I jokingly say with a lover, getting on the bottom and letting her get on top and take over doesn't make me less of a man. At the right time, in the right situation, I can take second place, play a supporting role, and be in touch with my feminine side, all while remaining true to myself, that masculine self. I don't have to run around beating my chest and challenging everybody to arm-wrestle to supposedly prove I'm a man.

Several years ago, at a sex SIM, I had seen Alice several times, chatted, flirted, and shared some laughs. One day, I invite Alice to go ballroom dancing. In the midst of this, I open her profile and discover Alice has changed it to say she is a man, a pre-op transgender woman. She's now apprehensive about my reaction. We discuss. She wants surgery but doesn't know when she will be able to afford it. She also says that the number of IMs she got dropped considerably with her new admission and she was thinking about removing it. I ask her how she would like me to treat her. She says as a woman. So I did. We danced, chatted, flirted, and I think I may have put my hand on her bum a couple of times. In other words, we had a lovely time together. After that, I noticed she wasn't on much and sort of disappeared as many do with a busy RL.

AJ and I had a madcap affair for about six months. - The flame that burns that bright is not meant to last. - But during that time, we had many intense and wild moments. One day, she IMs to join her, and I find her with a pre-op transgender woman. (I was going to say shemale, but I've been given to understand this term is now considered offensive due to its association with the porn industry.) AJ was pleasuring Tanya and enjoyed having me there to watch. At some point, she tentatively asked if I wanted to take over, unsure of how I'm going to react. I suppose being with AJ made me braver than usual but also, I thought having her watch me would turn her on. I do so like to please my partner.

And so, as the owner of the equipment, I embarked on what I thought would be an exciting session of pleasure. It must have worked out as while we were playing in SL, Tanya confessed she, ahem, had a moment in RL. This may seem odd, but there's a certain sense of accomplishment in bringing another human being to orgasm. In any case, it was a memorable moment between the three of us but more importantly, it was another moment of bonding between AJ and myself.

A woman, in talking about her RL, told me that she and her husband had belonged to a swingers clubs over the years. She described her husband as heterosexual, but during that time, she had witnessed him being sexual with men. She called him socially bisexual. On his own, her husband would never be with a man, but during these swinger parties, he would sometimes participate with a man. Socially bisexual is heteroflexible.

I have a joke and an observation about MMF.

Question: What's better than good man?

Answer: Two good men!

The observation
Not every man can do MMF. Why? They are uncomfortable with other men. I've been involved with a number of MMF scenarios, mostly playing the non-partcipatory role of voyeur, and the other man has not been enthralled. My presence dampens their enthusiasm. It would seem that men can go along with the idea of an open relationship or polyamory, but that's out of sight, out of mind. Actually having another man in the room is not part of their fantasy. Even if their female partner is getting off on the attention of two men at once, the other guy isn't enjoying it. And so, I have learned that if a woman would like a threeway, MMF, not just any man will do. As I said above, the two men don't have to be gay but they do have to be comfortabe with their own sex. They won't freak out if their cocks touch. Ha, ha!

Final Word
In looking back at the many people I've talked to, it seems to me that many have experimented. They may identify like me as being heterosexual but have had moments with their own gender. Are some of us curious? Do some of us feel badass, breaking the rules, flaunting the law, and going against the norms? As Katie Perry sang in 2008, I Kissed A Girl And I Liked It (YouTube 3:04).

You may have noticed in my examples that any experimenting takes place in the compay of a woman. I like pleasing women; I like pleasing my partner. I guess I'm neutral about certain things, take it or leave it, but if I know my partner enjoys it, I'll do it. Old joke: I said it was weird. I didn't say I wouldn't do it.

The world is a big place with many extraordinary things. Now, if we could only leave behind our RL upbringing and look at the world in a different light, we may discover things we had no idea were interesting, amusing, and even pleasurable. As I'm fond of saying: We're all in this together.


References

my blog: Why do guys role play girls? (2,500 words, 12-minute read)
It would seem that about 10% of the population is gay. That’s RL, Real Life. In SL, Second Life, the percentage is higher, a lot higher. In fact, I don’t think I can take ten steps without running into a lesbian. What gives?

LGBT Identification in U.S. Ticks Up to 7.1%, Gallup polling
The percentage of U.S. adults who self-identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or something other than heterosexual has increased to a new high of 7.1%, which is double the percentage from 2012, when Gallup first measured it.

Wikipedia: Demographics of sexual orientation
In 2021, Ipsos interviewed people in 27 countries spanning all continents on their sexual orientation and gender identity... on average about 80% of people worldwide identified as heterosexual, 3% as gay, lesbian or homosexual, 4% as bisexual, 1% as pansexual or omnisexual, 1% as asexual, 1% as "other", and 11% don't know or won't say.

my blog: Your fantasy is not my fantasy, but I accept it anyway. (1,300 words, 6-minute read)
I respect that person's right to their own fantasy. I'm not into vampire, Neko, anime, wrestling, pregnancy, families with children, the list goes on but to each his own. The point is: Can you be strong enough to admit your kink damn what anybody else thinks?


The pressure to conform, to be heterosexual is enormous. We have no idea of the struggle of being A while the entire world around us is B. The following two articles discuss how the establishment, the American Psychiatric Association and other world organisations, classified homosexuality as a mental illness for the longest time. As I said, being different is not easy.

Wikipedia: Homosexuality in the DSM
Homosexuality was classified as a mental disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) beginning with the first edition, published in 1952 by the American Psychiatric Association (APA). This classification was challenged by gay rights activists during the gay liberation following the 1969 Stonewall riots, and in December 1973, the APA board of trustees voted to declassify homosexuality as a mental disorder. In 1974, the DSM was updated and homosexuality was replaced with a new diagnostic code for individuals distressed by their homosexuality, termed ego-dystonic sexual orientation. Distress over one's sexual orientation remained in the manual, under different names, until the DSM-5 in 2013.

Wikipedia: Ego-dystonic sexual orientation
Ego-dystonic sexual orientation is a highly controversial mental health diagnosis that was included in the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) from 1980 to 1987 (under the name ego-dystonic homosexuality) and in the World Health Organization's (WHO) International Classification of Diseases (ICD) from 1990 to 2019. Individuals could be diagnosed with ego-dystonic sexual orientation if their sexual orientation or attractions were at odds with their idealized self-image, causing anxiety and a desire to change their orientation or become more comfortable with it. It describes not innate sexual orientation itself, but a conflict between the sexual orientation a person wishes to have and their actual sexual orientation.

2024-06-18

Your fantasy is not my fantasy, but I accept it anyway.

The other day, a stranger contacted me.

[2024/06/09 08:23] TB: Hi white Superior Nigger monkey at your service if needed

I was a little startled. This certainly wasn't the type of random IM I get every day. However, I recognized the fantasy as being raceplay.

For those not in the know, interracial refers to two different races, black and white, brown and black, yellow and white, etc., while raceplay involves the superiority of one race over another, superior white and black, superior black and white, etc. I suppose the most common raceplay is QoS, Queen of Spades, involing white women and black men, but in this particular niche of raceplay, a gay black man seeks a superior white man.

I try to avoid politics in my Second Life, but admittedly, it is sometimes hard to avoid. Considering the political divide in the United States and elsewhere in the world, racism seems to have had a resurgence. Then again, I think it was always there but the growing visibility of The Right has given impetus to many to come out of the closet, so to speak, and speak their minds. Out pops this unexpected sexism, racism, homophobia, xenophobia, and just plain stupidity. Political correctness seemed to have been keeping most of this in check, but now that PC has become a supposed bad thing, people feel at liberty to speak out.

Never have so many knowing so little said so much.

But enough of that. I don't want to turn this into a political rant.

I'm not interested in raceplay. I'm certainly not interested in racism. And so, I wanted to respond in a positive manner without being in any way critical. (Note: I changed his name.)

[2024/06/09 08:25] Hugh Toussaint (hughtoussaint): A good day to you, TB. That's quite the introduction. Then again, why waste time on pleasantries?
[2024/06/09 08:26] Hugh Toussaint (hughtoussaint): I'm afraid that's not quite what I'm looking for at the moment but I certainly appreciate the offer. Good luck in your search. All the best to you in your worlds (plural: SL & RL). :-)
[2024/06/09 08:27] TB: thanks Sir !
[2024/06/09 08:27] Hugh Toussaint (hughtoussaint): /me nods respectfully in your direction
[2024/06/09 08:28] Hugh Toussaint (hughtoussaint): May all your dreams come true, and may all your fantasies be realized.
[2024/06/09 08:28] TB: oh same to you Sir i appreciate it
[2024/06/09 08:28] TB: sorry for bothering
[2024/06/09 08:29] Hugh Toussaint (hughtoussaint): No bother at all. If we don't ask, we won't get an answer. I trust you find yourself a compatible partner. It can be fun. :-)
[2024/06/09 08:30] TB: oh i like no tights in here is just for fun i guess i bet you have yours already?
[2024/06/09 08:31] Hugh Toussaint (hughtoussaint): My day is full. I'm a lucky man. Good luck to you, too.

[2024/06/09 18:15] Hugh Toussaint (hughtoussaint): 5 months old. Welcome to Second Life. You have many adventures ahead of you.
Your original request made me curious, TB, and I did some searches. Would this be of interest to you? "group: EXTREME WHITE/black Male RACEPLAY"
https://my.secondlife.com/en/groups/6edf646d-f03e-bb0b-c7e4-1f262fde98a8
I'm not sure how common "raceplay" is but the above leads me to believe it exists. As with any fantasy, the problem is finding like-minded individuals. And of course, following the SSC rule of BDSM: Safe, Sane, and Consensual.
Good luck.
[2024/06/09 18:15] TB: User not online - message will be stored and delivered later.
[23:59] TB: smiles wish you the best Sir !


Raceplay. Are you looking askance? Do you disapprove? Do you want to protest?

"There are no politically correct fantasies."
-Marilyn Minter (b 1948), American visual artist

Elsewhere on this blog, I've said that we all come to Second Life to explore this virtual fantasyland but end up exploring ourselves. In opening up those hidden recesses of our minds and bringing into the light of day our secret urges, kinks, and possibly fetishes, we have to look ourselves in the mirror and admit to liking things that in RL, we wouldn't dare to say out loud for fear of criticism, condemnation, and heck, maybe even jail time if not a stay in an institution for psychiatric observation. In other words, we could very well be scared sh*tless of being found out.

In my piece Less Critical, More Compassionate, I wrote:

Recently, I met a very nice black woman at a club. We had a charming time together and a most interesting conversation. She did, however, recount some not so agreeable times at this particular club. Apparently, not everyone is nonjudgmental and accepting, and racism exists. While she was dancing, a man IMed her out of the blue saying, "Beautiful n-".

How's that for negative feedback?

However, in the course of the discussion, the woman admitted enjoying D/s and even raceplay. She was a feminist, proudly black, pro-BLM, and anti-racism, but she did have a kink for raceplay. Can we adequately explain where our fantasies come from? But more importantly, can we accept those fantasies and enjoy them?

Fantasies can be fun, but they can be even more fun if shared with like-minded individuals. As per my rule of the three rights: At the right time, in the right place, with the right partner, anything is possible. Whether D/s, BDSM, or raceplay, we must find partners who are on the same page.

How did TB find me?
Years ago, out of curiosity, I visited a few interracial clubs specializing in BWWM (Black Woman White Men) and joined their groups. I met EM, a black woman, a charming personality, a good-looking woman, and a passionate lover. We had an intense affair for nearly two years before RL called her away. She hasn't been in-world for years but such are the vagaries of Second Life.

In looking at TB's profile, I see he's become a member of these groups, hoping, I suspect, of finding a white man. I guess he picked me hoping I'd be bisexual and possibly interested in dominating him.

Final Word
A gay black man asks a total stranger for raceplay involving a superior white. I am amazed at the huge risk this man took in contacting me. That took guts. Sure, it's Second Life and you can always TP out or block and mute, but we all can be devastated by negative reactions. I could imagine him sitting on pins and needles waiting for my response which is why I wanted to decline but in a positive supporting manner.

Your fantasy is not my fantasy but I accept your right to your fantasy. And I wish you luck in finding others who share your fantasy.

Have fun. Be safe.


Postscript 2024-06-18
I've had a few comments expressing disapproval of raceplay. I'd like to point out that this article is not specifically about raceplay but about admitting to yourself your own interest in something despite the threat of public disapproval. "There are no politically correct fantasies." Is there the possibility of abuse? By all means. If a white man told me he was into raceplay, I'd see it as racist. But when a black person tells me, I have to look at it like any other power dynamic of D/s. Abuse exists in BDSM, D/s, and heck, even in marriage (partner) and dating. I don't have to look at raceplay to see cruel people abusing others. As for raceplay itself, I'm not saying I agree with it or have any interest in it, but I respect that person's right to their own fantasy. I'm not into vampire, Neko, anime, wrestling, pregnancy, families with children, the list goes on but to each his own. The point is: Can you be strong enough to admit your kink damn what anybody else thinks?


References

Wikipedia: Race and sexuality
"Racial fetishism" is sexually fetishizing a person or culture belonging to a specific race or ethnic group.

In BDSM
There is also a practice in BDSM which involves fetishizing race called "raceplay". Susanne Schotanus defined raceplay as "a sexual practice where the either imagined or real racial background of one or more of the participants is used to create this power-imbalance in a BDSM-scene, through the use of slurs, narratives and objects laden with racial history." Feminist author Audre Lorde cautions that this kind of BDSM "operates in tandem with social, cultural, economic, and political patterns of domination and submission" creating the perpetuation of negative stereotypes for black women in particular.

However, race play can also be used within BDSM as a curative practice for black individuals to take back their autonomy from a history of subjugation. One BDSM Dominatrix explains that raceplay provides her with an "emotional sense of reparations". "Violence for black female performers in BDSM becomes not just a vehicle of intense pleasure but also a mode of accessing and critiquing power."

2024-06-12

Trust: Why do people reveal secrets?

The other day, a friend was talking about a scandalous fantasy she has. She's lived the fantasy in SL but has talked about living it in RL and said, I either find someone who's really kinky or I find a secret on someone so they won't tell on me.

I responded by noting her or I find a secret on someone so they won't tell on me and chuckling about building a solid relationship on a foundation of blackmail. I thought of the story of a married couple who said they would never get a divorce because they both knew the secrets of the other and both could blackmail the other. Ha, ha!

But all this reminded me of how some people have a tendency to reveal secrets. Why do they do it? Does it make them feel important as they know something somebody else doesn't? Do they feel superior to the person who has the secret?

Trust is hard-earned, easily lost, and difficult to reestablish.

Years ago, I read a story in a newspaper about a repairman who, for whatever reason, didn't have access to a bathroom and he had to go really, really bad. He couldn't go in a nearby sink as it was too high, so he went into a mug, poured it out into the sink, then rinsed everything off. Fine. I've been stuck without access to a toilet and I've done a few creative things over the years to relieve myself. No big deal.

Unbeknownst to the man, there was a security camera. The person who discovered the video and what the man did, posted the video on social media. Needless to say, this caused a scandal. The man was ridiculed and may have been fired from his job. I forget that detail.

I had to ask: What purpose was served by posting the video on social media? If it were me, I would have gone to the man and told him privately about the security camera. I would have assisted him in finding a washroom for any future emergencies.

I still think of this story and numerous other stories where somebody has revealed a secret and gotten another into trouble. But why do people do that? I did some research with Google

'Did you hear what he did?' Why people divulge other people's secrets -ASU News, Feb 23/2022 (Arizona State University)
According to a new study by researchers at Arizona State University and Columbia University, the divulging of a secret has a direct correlation to a person’s morals. It seems that when someone learns another person’s secret that breaks their own moral code, the person who was confided in is willing to divulge that secret to “punish” the secret holder, according to Jessica Salerno, an associate professor of psychology in the School of Social and Behavioral Sciences at ASU.

I've written elsewhere on this blog that some people, maybe far too many, bring all their RL baggage into SL and end up living SL like RL. Hiding, lying, cheating, jealousy, possessiveness, all sorts of bad things about RL are carried out in SL with the same disastrous results. It strikes me that people are not ready to live a different life, to embrace a new way of living. That said, referring to the above breaking one's moral code, I can see those who do not live a polyamorous, open, and honest relationship feel justified in ratting out those who do.

In these turbulent political times, I see morality as a big issue. It's not a question of the next guy being wrong; they are morally wrong. Anti-gay, anti-LGBTQ, anti-transgender, anti-anything which isn't exactly like me. I'm right; everybody else is wrong. Elsewhere, I wrote about the curious story of Amanda Todd, a 15-year-old Canadian student who flashed her tits to a stranger on the Internet, a stranger who subsequently outed her by reposting pics. She then was cyberbullied, that is, all sorts of people on the Internet jumped on the moral bandwagon and hounded her to death. She committed suicide. While the man who outed her was brought to justice, the thing about the story which startled me were the total strangers on social media or in real life (classmates, people in the community) who badgered her, criticising, condemning, and humiliating her as if flashing your tits was the ultimate in bad behaviour. This is an example of the danger which await all of us in real life. RL has no mercy. Well, people have no mercy, thinking they have the moral duty to hound us to death. Piss in a cup, flash your tits, you will pay, and you will pay in spades!

Final Word
In my time in Second Life, I have thoroughly enjoyed the wonder of anonymity where people can be themselves, unafraid of criticism or condemnation, at ease in being who they truly are. And that many times manifests itself as being more sexual than in RL. But I have never felt any desire to reveal secrets. I value the trust I have with these people too much. Besides, I do enjoy this SL version of the RL mind, unfettered by RL constraints, and I find it unfortunate we all return to RL and have to tuck away our deep dark secrets, never to see the light of day out of fear of those who would betray us possibly by posting on social media.

Over and over again, I've run across Second Life profiles declaring quite clearly No RL going on to explain they would never do that again, suggesting they had done it once and got outed. I think SL is a wonderful place to explore your fantasies and would never think of destroying this unique opportunity. I gain absolutely nothing by outing someone and can't help feeling doxing another SLer is tantamount to evil. If your moral superiority entails cancelling somebody, you need a new morality!


References

my blog: Doxing: What the f*ck do you think you're doing? (700 words, 3-minute read) - May 22/2022
doxing (n): search for and publish private or identifying information about (a particular individual) on the internet, typically with malicious intent.

Over and over again, I have run across entries in profiles describing personal experience about getting into trouble for revealing personal information and/or RL pictures. Who can you trust? There may only be one bad apple in the barrel but that's enough to get up your defenses. Once bitten, twice shy.

2024-05-28

Less Critical, More Compassionate

I'm older and questionably wiser, but definitely older. That's the RL mind behind the curtain, my Wizard of Oz reference for the day.

But I've noted that with age, I've become less critical and more compassionate. I don't rush to judgment. Everybody is trying to figure things out, and they don't necessarily come to the same conclusions as I did because of their life experiences, upbringing, and education. It's hard to understand that two plus two equals four if you have no understanding of mathematics.

I'm writing about SL but I'm also writing about RL. And certainly now, more than ever, it's impossible to ignore RL as the state of the world seems very precarious. As the 1960s hippies said, Make Love Not War. If we all spent more time between the sheets, there would be far less time for fighting. And I would add that there would be far less desire to fight. Nothing like a good orgasm with a good partner to give you a glow and make you feel that all is right with the world.

compassion (n): sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others.

As I've said elsewhere on this blog, I've made this observation over the years:

Happy people are kind, generous, and sympathetic, if not empathetic.

Unhappy people are mean, cruel, and always find fault with others never with themselves.

Unfortunately, the world has far too many unhappy people. They could be having a bad day, but I've heard stories which made me conclude some people are having a bad life. I feel sorry for them. I may try to help, but I also realize some people are beyond my help and the best I can do for all of us is to stay away. I'll be compassionate but must carefully assess if I, personally, can do any good and if not, move on for my own protection and sanity.

To again borrow from the 1960s hippies, I like to say that I'm a peace, love, and understanding type of guy. I come to SL to have fun, and it is important to me that everyone with whom I interact also has fun. We're all in this together. Can't we all get along?

Recently, I met a very nice black woman at a club. We had a charming time together and a most interesting conversation. She did, however, recount some not so agreeable times at this particular club. Apparently, not everyone is nonjudgmental and accepting, and racism exists. While she was dancing, a man IMed her out of the blue saying, "Beautiful n-".

Wait! What? Where in this man's wildest imagination did he think such an opening line was acceptable and would lead him into the good graces of the woman in question? I was astounded by her story. I find it incredible that a person could be so lacking in social skills, unaware of manners, and apparently incapable of any empathy whatsoever. Who are these people? How many of them are there? And how prevalent is this behavior?

But I like to say that SL is a reflection of RL. If somebody is an a-hole in SL, they are more than likely an a-hole in RL. Concerned by the polarization of politics and the awakening of all that is wrong in society, sexism, racism, homophobia, and xenophobia, I created the following meme in order to best describe my stance about other people, especially those people some may label as "different".

I think diversity is a good thing. Our differences make us stronger. Variety is the spice of life. United we stand. However, I know full well that not everyone feels as I do. They do not like anybody who is not identical to them. Too bad. They're missing out.

I'm less critical and more compassionate. But that doesn't mean I agree and am willing to let others dictate the terms for how our society is to be run. If what somebody believes in disenfranchises people or "punches down", they need to rethink their beliefs. If you're critical of other people, if you make fun of others, what does that say about you?

Somebody asking for their rights is not asking to take away my rights. We all deserve a place in the sun.

You can easily judge the character of a man

by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.

—Malcolm S. Forbes

I am not here to be king of the hill. I have no need to win over others. We're all in this together, and it can be personally satisfying to help others. Yes, I climb the ladder because I want to be a success but I can also lend a hand to help others climb the ladder, too.

Final Word
As I like to say, will there ever be a final word? I've heard it said that while we have modern advances like the Internet, computers, and AI, the human race has not progressed one iota spiritually in two thousand years. We're just as stupid except now, with broadband, we can be stupid faster and for a wider audience.

Notice what I said at the beginning of this article.

I've become less critical and more compassionate. I don't rush to judgment. Everybody is trying to figure things out, and they don't necessarily come to the same conclusions as me because of their life experiences, their upbringing, and their education. It's hard to understand that two plus two equals four if you have no understanding of mathematics.

I calling you ignoraant. I'm not calling you stupid. Believe me, in the heat of an argument, it's a temptation to call you stupid but I'm trying to be compassionate. I do hope, however, that the ignorant don't get hold of the reins of power as they could very well sink the entire ship, them included, because they don't understand.

"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." -Hanlon's Razor

I repeat SL is a reflection of RL. Like it or not, we're all in this together. Those people are not going away. Compassion: We're all just trying to find our place in the world.


References

my blog: Self-Confidence: I Know I’m Good - Oct 28/2021
I don’t think I’m good, I know I’m good. I can now imagine you thinking: Such arrogance! Such an inflated sense of self-worth! Hear me out! Please, let me explain!

my blog: Aggressive Males and the Stupidity of Inexperience - Sep 11/2021
I have run across numerous stories, either in profiles or in conversations, of aggressive males demanding sex. No seduction, no chat, let’s just get right to it. As I’ve said elsewhere in this blog, the number one complaint I’ve seen in reading scores of profiles is about the male walking around with his junk out, asking every woman, “Wanna f*ck?” What in heavens name is going through such a man’s head that he thinks such an approach is going to work? Is he stupid? Insane? Or is he so inexperienced, he literally has no idea of how to properly deal with his hormones?

2023-11-14

Why do guys role play girls?

2,500 words, 12-minute read

It would seem that about 10% of the population is gay. That’s RL, Real Life. In SL, Second Life, the percentage is higher, a lot higher. In fact, I don’t think I can take ten steps without running into a lesbian. What gives?

Back in 2010, when I first came to SL, it quickly became apparent that a number of women weren’t women but men pretending to be women. At that time, I heard estimates from 40% to 80% of all female avatars were actually guys. Really? What gives?

I’m a man. I’ve always been a man, and I’ve never had a desire to be anything else. I jokingly but seriously say that on SL, I’m playing myself. I’m not a vampire. I’m not a Neko or furry, and I’m not playing some role play like Gor. I’m playing a version of the RL me but without the usual RL restrictions.

In 2010, I talked with the owner of a sex club about this phenomenon. He gave me this advice: Ignore who’s behind the curtain, the RL person, and deal with the avatar you have in front of you. Nothing else matters.

It made sense but our society can be homophobic, and this was apparent in SL. Men demanded proof, and I saw in some female profiles “voice verified” or even “willing to voice verify”. I was amused when I read in one woman’s profile, “How come I never see men as being voice verified?” This became even funnier when I found out there were women pretending to be men.

I know there’s voice morphing, but I have no idea how well it works

But let me return to the topic of this article: Girls as GIRLs (Guys In Real Life).

Why?
I like to say that if it happens once, it’s an anomaly; if it happens repeatedly, it’s a phenomenon.

Why are all these men pretending to be women? Being a man, I had some ideas, but I’ve also done some Googling in writing this article.

Barbie Porn
The female avatar is a Barbie doll, to be dressed, undressed, styled, re-dressed, etc. She can be directed to do any scandalous thing one’s imagination may conceive of. The man isn’t just watching porn, he’s participating in it.

I'm a Barbie girl, in the Barbie world
Life in plastic, it's fantastic
You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere
Imagination, life is your creation.
-Barbie Girl by Aqua (Official Music Video), YouTube (3:21)

The Ideal Woman
Instead of searching for the ideal woman, a man can be his ideal woman. Looks, clothes, style, behaviour including sexuality, a man can play the role of the woman he himself would like.

I add the challenge and titillation of attracting someone to this avatar, and that someone may be female or male.

Curiosity
We guys can be curious about the other gender. Why not explore that curiosity by being the object of said curiosity? The body and its various parts, clothes, makeup, shoes, etc. all aspects of the female are available for study.

Latent Homosexuality
Our culture has a significant degree of homophobia. Heterosexual is seen as normal, and anything else is not just frowned upon but considered a sin. We have tremendous pressure to conform to what we think is the accepted norm.

As such, playing a woman, being a woman, grants a man permission to explore what is otherwise verboten.

Sidebar
There is a niche in erotica labelled feminization where the gist of the story is that a man is somehow turned into a woman whether by magic, medical transformation, or brain transfer.

Lesbians
Men have a tendency of being titillated by lesbians so why not be a woman and be directly involved with lesbianism?

The idea that straight men like it when two women make out (and more!) is so commonplace that it’s a cultural touchstone. They don’t even have to be real lesbians: “Those twins” are among the things a canonical Coors Light drinker loves. On Friends, Chandler and Joey give up their apartment—their apartment in Manhattan—for the chance to watch two of their straight female friends kiss for one minute.

So what is it about the sight of two women that, purportedly, sets male loins ablaze?

[The popularity of] lesbian erotica... can be explained by the fact that men are most aroused by visual cues that emphasize youth and downplay drama and emotional complexity. Lesbian porn, therefore, works for straight men by “doubling up” those visual stimuli[.] The only thing better than one nubile, personality-free woman is two of them.
- Why Straight Men Gaze at Gay Women By Olga Khazan, The Atlantic - Mar 8, 2016

Sidebar about lesbians
In the past few years, I have run into two women partnered with women who said they were not lesbian. They deliberately partnered with another heterosexual woman as a means of protection. If a guy became too aggressive, too hard to handle, they had an escape plan by pointing out being partnered. Hmmm, straight women banding together to protect themselves from undesirable men.

Sidebar about nonsexual women
I’ve run into at least one man who had a female avatar, but he apparently never had sex. He was the owner of a music club and managed it as a woman. This was a friend of a friend, and I never had the opportunity to question him as to why he was playing a woman.

Sidebar about RL
This 2005 article in New World Notes (Jan 10, 2005) recounts the story of two heterosexual RL men both playing lesbian SL women. In an interview, Jade admits that when he sees their avatars embracing, he thinks of himself kissing a woman even though he knows it's a man driving.

Getting a woman
The following is a quote from Eboni Khan, as reported in New World Notes, March 14, 2018

The men pretending to be women are more into dressing themselves and admiring themselves-- and attempting to build relationships, which is interesting. The men that I know [who] are women here, are very feminine. And strive to have loving friendships and relationships. Which leads me to believe a lot of men think they can't accomplish the same thing [while] being a stereotypical male.

Sensitive and tender? Pretend to be a girl, then seduce the girl of your dreams. Then tell her you are a man, and hope for the best. I think the majority of these men just want to be tender and loving, and think a female avie makes it easier for them to do it.

A man pretends to be a woman to get a woman because he doesn’t think he can get one while being a man?

Wait! What?

In a previous article Aggressive Males and the Stupidity of Inexperience, I discussed men who seem to be ignorant about relationships and inexperienced with women, the worst of which is an Incel. It is evident, to me at least, there are any number of males who don’t know how to be a man. I’m not talking about the tough guy, never cry, stoic, lone wolf hero that is admired by the traditional patriarchy, but the male who is knowledgeable, strong but gentle, confident in himself as a man, and compassionate for his fellow human beings. This isn’t about fighting and winning over others but helping others to make this a better world.

Transgender
What a change from 2010, my first year in SL and now, 2021. While some remain hidden out of fear of criticism and condemnation, I’m seeing more brave souls who have come out of the closet. I laud them while recognising that the world is changing, albeit slowly.

I see that sexual reassignment surgery may cost from $10,000 up which may be prohibitive for some. SL can provide a means of exploring being a complete woman. I’ve also met a number who play SL as a pre-op transgender woman. SL provides all of us with a means to be anything we want.

Voice Verified

Nobody has ever asked me to voice verify that I’m a man. I’ve never asked anybody to voice verify that they were a three-headed monster of the underworld. The other week, I read this in a woman’s profile:

Real Life man in his mid-forties who likes to explore Second Life as a submissive female.
He’s being honest and upfront, even brave. I would be curious to know who would want to play with this person. If you know that the woman standing in front of you, the female avatar, is actually a man in RL, is your perception of the woman changed? If your fantasy is to be with a woman, has your fantasy now been ruined? Or do we all tend to ignore the RL mind behind the curtain and get into the game?

My Personal Experience: I have a female alt
I like to test sex furniture and in order to do so, I need a second avatar. The first time, I created a male alt. One day, I’m testing a piece of furniture with my two male avatars when I click on a 69 position. As I watch these two men orally stimulate each other, it suddenly occurs to me that the old saying is not true: I can suck and blow at the same time.

Later, I created a female alt, so my testing was a little more realistic, more heterosexual than homosexual. Seinfeld: Not that there’s anything wrong with that!

In 2012, I had a sports injury which lasted almost the entire year. Without going into detail, I had limited use of my left arm so I really couldn’t play Second Life. Typing with one hand, while a joke about masturbating at the keyboard, proved to be restrictive.

As such, unable to do much else, I did spend time dressing my female alt. I can see the attraction. As a man, I’m attracted to women, and I can see the interest in playing with a female avatar. How prevalent is this? I’ve read numerous comments over the years of how there are far more clothes for women than men. I note in Flickr accounts, there are far more pictures of women than men. I return to the question of just how many women in Second Life are being driven by men.

By the way, once I got my health back, I never went back to playing with my female alt. While I can understand the attraction, I seem to have other things in life to obsess about. Ha!

My Personal Experience: How many men have I kissed?
First off, let me stress that I’m accepting and nonjudgmental. I’m very much LGBTQ friendly. Everyone is welcome; we’re all in this together. I, myself, identify as a heterosexual* male. * For the most part. Some rules and restrictions may apply. (see: I'm a man)

How things have changed between 2010 and 2021: A long time ago, I met a woman with an RL photo in her profile of a lower body and legs. We danced, chatted, and flirted. The RL photo was then updated to show the lower body with a noticeable bulge. At the time, I was somewhat upset by this deception. My fantasy was to dance with a woman but instead of role playing a woman, this person was then telling me she was a man. I’ve come to appreciate that coming out of the closet, so to speak, is fraught with rejection and danger, but honesty is the best policy.

Fast forward to today. I invite a woman I know to dance but then realise she has changed her profile to say she’s a he. We discuss. She’s worried about my reaction. I ask her how she would like me to treat her. She says a complete woman. I do so. We dance, chat and even flirt. She explains that she is a pre-op transgender woman with hopes of making the leap when she has enough money. She also notes that after making the change in her profile, stating she is still a man, the number of dance offers dropped considerably, and she was then thinking of removing this from her profile and going back to portraying herself just as a woman.

In wandering around reading profiles, I’ve run across a number of female profiles where the author has clearly indicated they are a man in RL. Hats off for their honesty. Heterosexuality is most common. Gay apparently represents about 10% of the population. My research says transgender is less than 1% of the population. It takes guts to buck the trend.

In 2017, on SL, I run into a person identified by a female avatar, Alice. We chat, the usual small talk. But then, things turn serious, and Alice decides to tell me her story. Alice is actually Frank, a 55-year-old man transitioning to a woman. Frank was born male. He grew up male. He went to school, graduated, and found himself a career as a male. He got married and had two children. At the age of fifty, he decides to come out. His wife is accepting but she said she couldn't live as a lesbian, so they get a divorce, remaining good friends and still co-parenting. Frank sends me a real-life photo of himself. I see a man, wearing makeup and a wig in a dress. He looks nothing like a woman; he looks like a man in drag.

Our conversation came to an end, and we went our separate ways never to see one another again. However, I've thought about this story on many occasions. What trials and tribulations was Frank going to face? What ridicule? Obviously, this was important to him, or he wouldn't risk it all, but I still found it incredible that he gets through fifty years of his life as a man but now feels it is of the utmost importance he finds the real him in a woman. What societal pressures do we experience to conform to a standard we may disagree with?

In my SL profile, for pick number one, I have “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.”

Final Word
In my reading (linked below), the question was raised about playing another gender and whether it was acceptable or not. Somebody pointed out that we all must be honest with Linden Labs in telling them who we really are, but to other residents of SL, we can say anything we want: male, female, young, old, tall, short, big, small, vampire, Neko, fairy, or furry. You can even be a three-headed monster of the underworld.

Someone once told me that they like to play Second Life in a realistic fashion. The humour I saw is that by just logging into this virtual world, we are all role playing. Even though I claim to be playing myself, I’m certainly playing a version of myself who is younger, in better physical shape, and without the same restrictions I have in real life. As I jokingly say, in Second Life, I never get a cramp in my leg.

Heterosexual, gay, transgender, cross-dressing, cuckold, sissy, dominant, submissive, we all deserve our place in the sun. And may we all find a partner who shares our role play. May we all find “The One”.


References

Drawing by The TGArtist. I can find no web site in order to give proper credit. I apologise.

Is 10% of the population really gay?, The Guardian, Apr 5/2015
Drawing on the widest survey of sexual behaviour since the Kinsey Report, David Spiegelhalter, in his book Sex By Numbers, answers key questions about our private lives. Here he reveals how Kinsey’s contested claim that 10% of us are gay is actually close to the mark.

How Many Adults and Youth Identify as Transgender in the United States?, UCLA Williams Institute, June 2022
1.6 million, 0.48% of the population of 332.4 million, 2022

Why Straight Men Gaze at Gay Women By Olga Khazan, The Atlantic - Mar 8, 2016
The psychology behind the male sexual desire for lesbians

Why Some Men Gender-Bend in Online Worlds - Classic NWN Quote, New World Notes - Mar 14, 2018
The men pretending to be women are more into dressing themselves and admiring themselves-- and attempting to build relationships, which is interesting. The men that I know [who] are women here, are very feminine. And strive to have loving friendships and relationships. Which leads me to believe a lot of men think they can't accomplish the same thing [while] being a stereotypical male.

Why Do So Many People in Second Life Decline to Have Much of One? (Comment of the Week), New World Notes - Mar 19, 2018
In SL If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then you should treat it as a duck, because in this world you have entered it is a Duck, and whatever it might be in RL is not part of this world, this second life.

Guys that pretend to be girls, Second Life Community from 2013
SecondLife has no dog in this fight other than at registration time. SecondLife does require honest representation of your identity when you create an account. But that information is protected by Linden Research. After you are logged in, the gloves are off and you can be anything you want to be.

MALE playing female? Is it frowned upon?, Second Life Community from 2020
Hello, my name is Sisil String here in SL, I have been off and on the grid for over 10 years now, when I first started playing I presented as female. As the months and years led on I started using voice more often and transitioned my avatar to male to avoid explaining why I played a female, or even the thought of explaining to someone so I stopped using voice. I like playing ad a female, because I just love dressing them up and all of the different options we have on the grid to customize.

I am married in real life, so I'm not even looking for anything romantic in second life. I love the friends, games, and RP here. Along with shopping and hanging out and meeting people.

I keep taking breaks because I dont like playing a male avatar and I feel like people might think I'm a freak of I play as a female avatar? Should I go back and play as a female or play as a male but be unhappy with MY SECOND LIFE? Any tips or advice anyone can give me?

Man and Man on Woman and Woman, New World Notes, Jan 10, 2005
So there's this guy who's a guy in real life but a girl in Second Life, even though in real life he's into girls, and then there's this other guy who's also a guy into girls in real life, and he was playing a guy in Second Life for awhile, but then decided to be a girl instead, and then like two months ago, guess what: the first guy met the second guy, and they fell in love, so now they're a couple-- even though they're really two guys into girls.

A Mixed Reality Marriage (With Metaverse Mom), New World Notes, May 11/2009
A follow-up to the above story about Jade Lily and Torley Torgeson, both heterosexual men in RL, both playing lesbian women in SL.

Boys Will Be Girls, Flickr
My name is Cindy, a professional make-up artist and glamour photographer from London. I have been specializing in makeup for cross-dressers, drag queen make-up, and special effects make-up since 2011. I run Boys Will Be Girls, which is a Crossdressing Service in London that caters for CD/TV/TG or just guys that want help in dressing up as girls!

2022-07-15