Trust: Why do people reveal secrets?

The other day, a friend was talking about a scandalous fantasy she has. She's lived the fantasy in SL but has talked about living it in RL and said, I either find someone who's really kinky or I find a secret on someone so they won't tell on me.

I responded by noting her or I find a secret on someone so they won't tell on me and chuckling about building a solid relationship on a foundation of blackmail. I thought of the story of a married couple who said they would never get a divorce because they both knew the secrets of the other and both could blackmail the other. Ha, ha!

But all this reminded me of how some people have a tendency to reveal secrets. Why do they do it? Does it make them feel important as they know something somebody else doesn't? Do they feel superior to the person who has the secret?

Trust is hard-earned, easily lost, and difficult to reestablish.

Years ago, I read a story in a newspaper about a repairman who, for whatever reason, didn't have access to a bathroom and he had to go really, really bad. He couldn't go in a nearby sink as it was too high, so he went into a mug, poured it out into the sink, then rinsed everything off. Fine. I've been stuck without access to a toilet and I've done a few creative things over the years to relieve myself. No big deal.

Unbeknownst to the man, there was a security camera. The person who discovered the video and what the man did, posted the video on social media. Needless to say, this caused a scandal. The man was ridiculed and may have been fired from his job. I forget that detail.

I had to ask: What purpose was served by posting the video on social media? If it were me, I would have gone to the man and told him privately about the security camera. I would have assisted him in finding a washroom for any future emergencies.

I still think of this story and numerous other stories where somebody has revealed a secret and gotten another into trouble. But why do people do that? I did some research with Google

'Did you hear what he did?' Why people divulge other people's secrets -ASU News, Feb 23/2022 (Arizona State University)
According to a new study by researchers at Arizona State University and Columbia University, the divulging of a secret has a direct correlation to a person’s morals. It seems that when someone learns another person’s secret that breaks their own moral code, the person who was confided in is willing to divulge that secret to “punish” the secret holder, according to Jessica Salerno, an associate professor of psychology in the School of Social and Behavioral Sciences at ASU.

I've written elsewhere on this blog that some people, maybe far too many, bring all their RL baggage into SL and end up living SL like RL. Hiding, lying, cheating, jealousy, possessiveness, all sorts of bad things about RL are carried out in SL with the same disastrous results. It strikes me that people are not ready to live a different life, to embrace a new way of living. That said, referring to the above breaking one's moral code, I can see those who do not live a polyamorous, open, and honest relationship feel justified in ratting out those who do.

In these turbulent political times, I see morality as a big issue. It's not a question of the next guy being wrong; they are morally wrong. Anti-gay, anti-LGBTQ, anti-transgender, anti-anything which isn't exactly like me. I'm right; everybody else is wrong. Elsewhere, I wrote about the curious story of Amanda Todd, a 15-year-old Canadian student who flashed her tits to a stranger on the Internet, a stranger who subsequently outed her by reposting pics. She then was cyberbullied, that is, all sorts of people on the Internet jumped on the moral bandwagon and hounded her to death. She committed suicide. While the man who outed her was brought to justice, the thing about the story which startled me were the total strangers on social media or in real life (classmates, people in the community) who badgered her, criticising, condemning, and humiliating her as if flashing your tits was the ultimate in bad behaviour. This is an example of the danger which await all of us in real life. RL has no mercy. Well, people have no mercy, thinking they have the moral duty to hound us to death. Piss in a cup, flash your tits, you will pay, and you will pay in spades!

Final Word
In my time in Second Life, I have thoroughly enjoyed the wonder of anonymity where people can be themselves, unafraid of criticism or condemnation, at ease in being who they truly are. And that many times manifests itself as being more sexual than in RL. But I have never felt any desire to reveal secrets. I value the trust I have with these people too much. Besides, I do enjoy this SL version of the RL mind, unfettered by RL constraints, and I find it unfortunate we all return to RL and have to tuck away our deep dark secrets, never to see the light of day out of fear of those who would betray us possibly by posting on social media.

Over and over again, I've run across Second Life profiles declaring quite clearly No RL going on to explain they would never do that again, suggesting they had done it once and got outed. I think SL is a wonderful place to explore your fantasies and would never think of destroying this unique opportunity. I gain absolutely nothing by outing someone and can't help feeling doxing another SLer is tantamount to evil. If your moral superiority entails cancelling somebody, you need a new morality!


References

my blog: Doxing: What the f*ck do you think you're doing? (700 words, 3-minute read) - May 22/2022
doxing (n): search for and publish private or identifying information about (a particular individual) on the internet, typically with malicious intent.

Over and over again, I have run across entries in profiles describing personal experience about getting into trouble for revealing personal information and/or RL pictures. Who can you trust? There may only be one bad apple in the barrel but that's enough to get up your defenses. Once bitten, twice shy.

2024-05-28

Second Life Magnifies Real Life

Years ago, a journalist described Second Life as having a speed of life one hundred times faster than Real Life. A couple could meet, fall in love, get partnered, get bored, fall out of love, and unpartner all in the space of a week. While this virtual world reflects RL, it would seem to exaggerate it.

Does using a computer lead to sensory overload? We jokingly refer to somebody being distracted by saying they have the attention span of a fruit fly. However, I've remarked over the years a tendency to focus on the here and now, ignoring what may have just happened. I've referred to this as how people get distracted by the next shiny bauble. I finish one thing, chatting with somebody for instance, and then move on to something else and almost immediately forget about what I was just doing. It's like my short-term memory is shot. Thanks goodness, I faithfully use the Notes section of profiles to track various tidbits about the individual so I can recall the individual otherwise, I would more than likely not remember who they are.

In this blog, I've spoken about anonymity and how it gives us total freedom to do or say anything we want without fear of criticism or condemnation. What do we do with such freedom? It would seem some people forget about manners and behave badly, that is, in RL they would get their face slapped or even risk a call to 9-1-1. Guys walk around with their junk out, asking every woman they meet if they want to f*ck. Really?

Of course, Second Life is just a game. Well, it may be a game to some people but as the old saying goes, behind every avatar is a real human being. In this game, the avatar with whom you're interacting is not a computer-generated simulation. Maybe politeness and respect are not such bad things after all.

SL can be a fantasy world of make believe. Vampires, Nekos, furries, a multitude of role-play characters, one can be anything they want. The only limitation is your imagination. Along with that comes, ahem, enhancements. Men so muscular as to put Arnold Schwarzennegger to shame. Women so top heavy, they must be seeing a chiropractor on a daily basis for back adjustments. Tall, short, fat, skinny, every physical characteristic is up for an emphatic do-over. Where does a man sporting a penis the size of a forearm get a jockstrap?

As an aside, there seems to be a fight going on about the size of avatars. In my blog Avatar Height, I talk about how the SL norm seems to be SL size = RL size times 1.25. Historically, the reason seems to be based on the POV (Point Of View) perspective in the viewers. Nevertheless, a number in the past few years have designed their avatars with their SL size proportional to their RL size, leading to comparatively small people. Good? Bad? I find myself sometimes so way out of proportion with the individual that I've taken to shortening myself in order to have something more realistically proportional, restoring my height in the company of other people.

Personally, I play Second Life in an immersive fashion, that is, it isn't a game; we're actually here. I'm playing me, obviously a version of myself without the usual RL restrictions, but still me. As such, I retain a degree of real life proportions. I don't need to out-Arnold Arnold or possess equipment rivaling a miniature stallion to live a satisfactory virtual life. But that's just me. I guess my fantasies are less cosplay and more about creating a connection with a potential partner, seeing them as more of a real human being than a fantasy exaggeration of the same. To each their own.

I've joked that there is so much sex in Second Life that I think SL actually stands for Sex Life. In this virtual world, all RL restrictions are dispensed with, religious, moral, and even legal, and everyone is free to do whatever they normally keep hidden in the dark recesses of their minds. BDSM, D/s, M/s, anonymous public sex, AFK sex, polyamory / non-monogamy, multiple partners, gangbangs, the Glory Hole, CMNF and CFNM, and bestiality along with aliens, monsters, and tentacle sex, every kink imaginable is available. SL is a variation of Rule 34: if it exists in Real Life; it exists in Second Life.

Above, I said that my fantasies are less cosplay and more about creating a connection with a potential partner but I recognize that potential partner is, in a way, a fantasy exaggeration of themselves as that person is far more sexually liberated then they would be in RL. In observing how much more sexual people are in Second Life, I am reminded of just how repressive our Puritan culture is.

May all your dreams come true, and may all your fantasies be realized.

2022-06-29

Anonymity and Total Freedom

Imagine having total freedom. You can say or do anything you want with no consequences. No criticism. No condemnation. Heck, no jail time.

"You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him." —Malcolm S. Forbes

In Second Life, you get an avatar with a new identity. Along with it, comes anonymity. There’s no connection to the real you, so you are pretty much free to go hog-wild. Who cares about impropriety?

I’ve read hundreds of profiles. Yes, hundreds. The number one complaint I’ve seen is about males running around with their Xcite set to visible and asking women, “Wanna f*ck?” I can’t remember the number of times somebody has explicitly stated they do not want to get a dick pic. Wait! You actually have to say this?

It’s at this point I shake my head in an expression of incredulity. Somebody gets the unique opportunity to start over with a new identity along with unrestricted freedom, and their first impulse is to ask for sex and/or hand out a picture of their junk.

Wow. Like really wow.

My joke for all you ladies. If a man ever asks you, “Wanna f*ck?”, you respond, “Yes. Just not with you.”

I feel inclined to apologise on behalf of my gender. I like to think — I hope — dick pics are the exception to the rule, but considering the #MeToo movement, there seems to be a statistically significant portion of the male population which merits caution.

Just today, I talked with a newbie, here in SL for one month, and she told me that in the first week, she received several impolite inquiries, including dick pics. Dear Men — Or should I say boys? — What the hell is wrong with you?

"You’re never too old to be immature."
-Unknown

While everyone in SL has a new identity, a new avatar, a new look, a new age, a different gender or even species, we remain irrevocably our RL mind. Despite efforts to the contrary — SL and RL are separate and never the twain shall meet — we all bring our baggage, so to speak, from real life: our personality, our education, our experiences, and our worldview. If someone is nice in RL, there’s a good chance they’ll be nice in SL. If they’re an idiot in RL, well, you get the picture.

I’ve jokingly said that you can buy anything you want on Marketplace to make your avatar into however you want to present yourself to the world. Unfortunately, Marketplace has not yet started selling personalities. There are no temperament enhancements to buy. You can look like a million bucks, but the moment you open your mouth, you blow the whole image.

SL Drama
Ah yes, the eternal problem of not getting along. From my experience, I have a theory about happy and unhappy.

Happy people are kind, generous, and sympathetic if not empathetic.

Unhappy people are mean, cruel, and always find fault with others, never with themselves.

There are a number of unhappy people in both worlds, SL and RL.

If someone is mean or cruel to me, I wonder what they’re going through. While it could be attributed to a bad day, there’s been times when my investigations have led me to conclude that the person in question is having a bad life. Bad parents, bad circumstances, economic hardships, health issues, heck, any one of a number of things that would make anybody’s life difficult, if not a living hell.

I stay away from such people, but I’m not inclined to take it personally. They have an issue. They may be trying to deal with it, or they have no idea they do have an issue. It’s not me; it’s them. I’m sorry. I hope they work things out. In the meantime, I’m going to head for the hills and never the twain shall meet. I just hope they don’t end up in a headline after going postal.

Final Word
It doesn’t hurt to be nice. While Second Life is a game (MMORPG), we all must remember that behind every avatar is a human being.

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
-The Golden Rule

"Be kind. For everyone you meet is fighting a batlle you know nothing about."

What would we do in RL? Be impolite? Disrespectful? Send a dick pic? Ask women, “Wanna f*ck?” That type of behaviour doesn’t win friends and influence people in real life. What makes anybody think it’s going to work in Second Life?

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
-Mary Oliver (b 1935), American poet

All the best to you in your worlds (plural: SL & RL). :-)

2019-10-04