Compersion: not thinking of yourself

polyamory (n) the practice of engaging in multiple romantic (and typically sexual) relationships, with the consent of all the people involved.

The word compersion is defined as the joy you feel for another’s happiness. The best example I’ve heard is the joy a parent feels for the happiness of their child. However, the term originated in polyamory, the joy you feel for your partner’s happiness which may include their happiness in another relationship, both emotional and sexual.

Whoa! Let’s unpack that one! That is so foreign to our traditions of marriage and monogamy, it may be difficult to conceive of any scenario where such an idea could work.

The supposed antonym is jealousy, and just what is jealousy? It is usually described as the fear of losing someone. Think about that. Your partner has lunch with somebody, describing a good meal, an interesting conversation, and a fun time. Is there someplace in the back of your mind where a little voice of doubt wonders if your partner prefers that person over you?

"If you love something set it free. If it comes back,
it’s yours. If not, it was never meant to be."
-Unknown

Your partner has lunch with somebody and has a good time. You don’t feel jealous because you don’t feel threatened, and you’re glad your partner had a good time. That seems normal. But just how far can you go with that idea?

A long time ago, I heard a man give a speech in which he said:

“I always wondered why I could never find Miss Right
until I realized I had always been Mr. Wrong.”

Luck is described as when preparation meets opportunity. Are we prepared? Even if the right partner comes along, are we still the wrong person?

We grow up surrounded by traditions which instill us with a mindset, formed by family, peer groups, religion, and the culture we live in. Are we aware of this? Does a fish know it’s living in a fishbowl? We may be unable to look outside our world and see the possibility of other things. Is any of us prepared to live our life in a manner which contradicts tradition and the supposed ideal of a monogamous marriage?

I’ve said elsewhere that Second Life offers us a unique opportunity to step out of our real life, to forget the boundaries of our upbringing, and live in a new and novel manner. By its very nature, this virtual world can be polyamorous and yet, SL is full of drama: jealousy, lying, cheating, all the indicators that the individual in question is living SL like their RL, unprepared to break with their own traditions. (Anonymity and Total Freedom)

Confidence and Self-confidence
Confidence can be defined as the trust you have in your partner and the faith you have in your partnership. Self-confidence can be defined as your self-worth, how you see yourself as a good person of value.

If your partner waxes complimentary about somebody else, how do you react? Do you feel threatened? Are you wondering if your partner now likes this other person more than you? Or do you feel compersion? Do you feel joy at your partner’s happiness? With confidence in your relationship and confidence in yourself, what’s to worry about? (Self-Confidence: I Know I’m Good)

My Friend M
M is my longest friend in Second Life. I’ve known her longer than people in Real Life. But before her story, a few stats:

In the United States, a typical marriage which ends in divorce lasts for an average of 8.2 years. The rate of divorce is 45%. In Italy, the average marriage lasts 17 years with a divorce rate of 42%.

M has been married now for over 25 years, her first and only marriage. Based on the above averages, she is more of an exception to the rule. But there is an odd twist to her story: She and her husband have always been swingers. Yes, you heard that correctly: the two of them occasionally have sex with other people. 45% of seemingly monogamous marriages end in divorce and yet M and her husband are not monogamous and have defied the odds. I like to say that some people live extraordinary lives.

I asked M once to what she attributed their success, and she said, “It’s largely about two things... honesty and trust... [my husband] has been my best friend even as he became my lover and my partner... I felt that I could share anything with him that there was nothing that I had to hide... I knew always that he would respect me no matter what.”

Let me add that both of them play Second Life, are aware that each of them play, and are also aware they play with other people. Yes, in SL, just like in RL, each of them are sometimes involved with other people.

Final Word
Your average person in RL has little or no experience with the freedom offered in SL. Are they prepared to be open, honest, nonjudgmental, and accepting? Are they willing to leave their RL baggage at the door? Can they focus on others, on their partner, and not just on themselves? Are they willing to put their partner's happiness ahead of their own?

Don't think of me as trying to be some guru. I'm nobody special, just an average guy in the street. However, I've come to realize there are opportunities to live life differently and to live it better if I can only see the world from beyond my own backyard. And that idea is not just applicable to SL; it's also applicable to RL.


Afterthought
I ran across the following quote from Osho (1931-1990), an Indin philosopher and founder of the Rajneesh movement.

It's interesting to apply the metahor of a flower to compersion. Traditional views of relationships and marriage involve monogamy and possession. The flower means the other person is independent and free. If you two are together, you do it because you want to, not because you have to. The uninitiated seem to have wink wink nudge nudge ideas of people wildly running around with every person they meet, but the truth is far more circumspect. Our lives are filled with many people, friends, colleagues, acquaintances, etc. with whom we never have a truly intimate relationship. But it is admittedly possible to have more than one intimate relationship in our lives. The question is whether we are ready to embrace compersion and posssibly explore an aspect of life different from our traditions.


References

Wiktionary: compersion
Etymology
Coined by the Kerista Community in the 1970s. Possibly derived from French compère (“partner”), plus -sion, based on an earlier use of the French compérage to denote the practice of brothers-in-law sharing wives observed among Tupi people of the Brazilian Amazon.

compersion (uncountable)
* Vicarious joy associated with seeing one's partner have a joyful romantic or sexual relation with another.

Antonyms
* jealousy

Wikipedia: Polyamory: Compersion
Compersion is an empathetic state of happiness and joy experienced when another individual experiences happiness and joy. In the context of polyamorous relationships, it describes positive feelings experienced by an individual when their intimate partner is enjoying another relationship. Some have called it "the opposite or flip side of jealousy", is analogous to the "joy parents feel when their children get married", and a "positive emotional reaction to a lover's other relationship". The concept of compersion was originally coined by the Kerista Commune in San Francisco.

How Long Do Average U.S. Marriages Last?
Brides Magazine, Mar 2/2021, based on data from the U.S. Census Bureau

Wikipedia: Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice
Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice is a 1969 American comedy-drama film directed by Paul Mazursky, written by Mazursky and Larry Tucker, who also produced the film, and starring Natalie Wood, Robert Culp, Elliott Gould, and Dyan Cannon

2022-06-14

My Rules for Second Life

The following represent how I "play the game". I personally think these rules per se go a long way of avoiding many, if not all of the social interaction problems commonly referred to as "drama".

RL always comes first.
Yep, close viewer and disappear. Type "gotta go" then hit Ctrl + Q (shut viewer). Whatever the case, RL always trumps SL. Always. No exceptions.

I'm busy. You're busy.
I IM you. You're busy playing with inventory. You're chatting with a friend. You're... well, you fill in the rest. Tell me. Right up front. Don't mince words. Heck, if it was RL and I caught you in the washroom (you have your cellphone with you in the washroom?) I would expect... no, I would insist you tell me immediately. Ha! We're all adults here. If you're busy, I will catch up with you later. No harm, no foul. ... Did I just hear a toilet flush?

You and I are dancing 
I am completely focused on you. No 2nd or 3rd IM chats. No profile surfing. No watching TV in RL. Likewise, you are not wearing a Bluetooth chatting with friends. I put out my hand to you to offer to dance. You can accept or refuse. But if you accept, let's dance. Together. Just the two of us.

Words
We all start from the same common denominator: we're all 20ish and good-looking. Gee, just like RL, eh? So what distinguishes us from one another? Our brains. How do we do that? Words. You've got to be able to communicate and let's be philosophical about words: If you Kant, I Nietzsche someone else. If you ain't got the prose, you don't get the pose. Male, university educated, a literary "stud muffin" well "endowed" with a good vocabulary and a sometimes wicked sense of humour spelled with a you.

Logging IM chats
You and I sit down in Starbucks for a coffee. The first thing you do is take a recorder out of your briefcase and set it on the table then turn it on. What? You are going to record our conversation? I stand up, pick up my coffee, wish you a pleasant day then go sit elsewhere. ... I am sorry you've had problems with griefers, idiots and just plain jerks. However, the majority of people I like to believe are nice people. Try not to let the bad ones spoil your view of the rest of them. I, for instance, am a really nice guy. No really, I am a nice guy. ... All the best in your world. ht :-)

Fun
I'm here to have fun. I'm assuming you're here to have fun too. If you and I can have fun together, that's great. If not, I wish you all the best in your world. I don't "click" with everybody and everybody doesn't "click" with me. I am not offended and I insist we all have fun with people we "click" with.

I am not jealous. I am not possessive. You have your own friends. You have your own life. You may even have your own job. I respect the boundaries. Just expect that when we are together, you get 100% of me.

Being Polite
Is me being polite some sort of role play? Is me being polite some sort of shtick, a game? Just because we've got avatars to hide behind, just because we are all anonymous, doesn't mean we all should or have the right to throw good behaviours and human decency out of the window and behave like fools. Each avatar is a human being. Yes, there's a real live human being behind every avatar and they deserve respect.

So is me being polite some sort of "role play"? Let's save the handcuffs for a special occasion. :-)

Your Home is Your Private Property
You are kind enough to invite me into your home, your castle, your private property. I will never, ever landmark it. I will only come back at your invitation. I will never, ever drop back when you are off-line. It's your home. It's your private property. Just because this is SL and there may be technically ways of doing things, does not mean I should do them and ignore good manners.

Friends: cleaning up your list
You and I have not spoken in a while. Maybe we spoke once, offered friendship, and have never again seen one another after that initial meeting. You decide to do a little housecleaning which includes dropping me from your friends list. No harm, no foul. After all, we can't remain friends with everybody, can we? People come, people go. At the end of the day we have only a few, maybe one or two whom we can truly call a friend. If things work out, you and I may end up friends. But let's face it, we can't be friends with everybody. It's just physically impossible. So I take no offense if you drop me from your list. I hope that if I decide to drop you, you will understand. All the best to you in all your worlds. ht :-)

Benefit of the Doubt
You and I are talking. You say something that I take exception to, that I don't like, that I find offensive. You reply, "I have no idea what you're talking about." Wait. Did I understand what you meant? Did you choose the right words and the right way of expressing what you meant? How about I give you the benefit of the doubt and ask you to clarify your meaning? Instead of me going ballistic and doing a tap dance on your head, how about I give you the benefit of the doubt and ask some questions? Come on, you're not a bad person. Should I immediately jump to the conclusion you would have deliberately said something to make fun of me, humiliate me or just piss me off?

Real Life
SL is not Match.Com and it is not eHarmony. If you came with the expectation of meeting somebody you can hook up in RL (Real Life), think again. SL is an online fantasy game. It's not a matchmaking service. If you want a date, go to Match.Com or eHarmony. After all, if my toilet gets plugged up, I don't phone an electrician, I phone a plumber. Yes, there are stories of people meeting on Second Life and meeting in Real Life however that is the exception, not the rule. Heck, I could phone the plumber about my toilet and end up having hot sex with Josephine the Lady Plumber. (Wikipedia: Jane Withers) *rolls eyes* Yeah, right.

I don't role play. I'm just being "me"
I would argue that by logging into SL, we are all role playing. Okay, you're not a vampire. Okay, you're not a furry like a Neko and you're not part of Gor or some science fiction game. But you have an avatar and sure, you're 20 something and you look really hot. Yes, you're not role playing. You really are twenty something and hot. And you have anonymity and that anonymity gives you the freedom of saying and doing what you might not be able to do in RL. Sure you're not role playing. Yeah, sure.

Immersion
As you talk with people, you get a sense that the "game" per se exists on many different levels. Some treat SL as a gigantic chat room. Some people are into role play and get involved with vampires or Gor and furries and write up elaborate character descriptions in their profiles outlining their dos and don'ts, limits, back stories, etc. Some build, some come for the music, some socialize.

For me, and this is just my particular preference, I like to immerse myself. When I go dancing, I am not a guy at a keyboard running an avatar, I am actually dancing. I will play as if you and are really dancing and will treat everything, the sounds, the sights, even the smells, the touch and the taste as being real. (Don't ask how taste comes up in dancing)

Anonymity
Anonymity allows you the freedom to do and say things you can't do in Real Life. Those things may be impossible, difficult or even illegal. But here in SL, you can knock yourself out without worry of the police beating down your door and hauling your sorry ass off to jail.

You have a gift. Enjoy it but don't abuse it. Don't go after other people about their RL (see above). They have as much right to their privacy, to their anonymity as you do. We are all here to play. We are all here to fantasize. Anonymity is an integral part of that fun.

2019-09-25