The word compersion is defined as the joy you feel for another’s happiness. The best example I’ve heard is the joy a parent feels for the happiness of their child. However, the term originated in polyamory, the joy you feel for your partner’s happiness which may include their happiness in another relationship, both emotional and sexual.
Whoa! Let’s unpack that one! That is so foreign to our traditions of marriage and monogamy, it may be difficult to conceive of any scenario where such an idea could work.
The supposed antonym is jealousy, and just what is jealousy? It is usually described as the fear of losing someone. Think about that. Your partner has lunch with somebody, describing a good meal, an interesting conversation, and a fun time. Is there someplace in the back of your mind where a little voice of doubt wonders if your partner prefers that person over you?
"If you love something set it free. If it comes back,
it’s yours. If not, it was never meant to be."
-Unknown
it’s yours. If not, it was never meant to be."
-Unknown
Your partner has lunch with somebody and has a good time. You don’t feel jealous because you don’t feel threatened, and you’re glad your partner had a good time. That seems normal. But just how far can you go with that idea?
A long time ago, I heard a man give a speech in which he said:
“I always wondered why I could never find Miss Right
until I realized I had always been Mr. Wrong.”
until I realized I had always been Mr. Wrong.”
Luck is described as when preparation meets opportunity. Are we prepared? Even if the right partner comes along, are we still the wrong person?
We grow up surrounded by traditions which instill us with a mindset, formed by family, peer groups, religion, and the culture we live in. Are we aware of this? Does a fish know it’s living in a fishbowl? We may be unable to look outside our world and see the possibility of other things. Is any of us prepared to live our life in a manner which contradicts tradition and the supposed ideal of a monogamous marriage?
I’ve said elsewhere that Second Life offers us a unique opportunity to step out of our real life, to forget the boundaries of our upbringing, and live in a new and novel manner. By its very nature, this virtual world can be polyamorous and yet, SL is full of drama: jealousy, lying, cheating, all the indicators that the individual in question is living SL like their RL, unprepared to break with their own traditions. (Anonymity and Total Freedom)
Confidence and Self-confidence
Confidence can be defined as the trust you have in your partner and the faith you have in your partnership. Self-confidence can be defined as your self-worth, how you see yourself as a good person of value.
If your partner waxes complimentary about somebody else, how do you react? Do you feel threatened? Are you wondering if your partner now likes this other person more than you? Or do you feel compersion? Do you feel joy at your partner’s happiness? With confidence in your relationship and confidence in yourself, what’s to worry about? (Self-Confidence: I Know I’m Good)
My Friend M
M is my longest friend in Second Life. I’ve known her longer than people in Real Life. But before her story, a few stats:
In the United States, a typical marriage which ends in divorce lasts for an average of 8.2 years. The rate of divorce is 45%. In Italy, the average marriage lasts 17 years with a divorce rate of 42%.
M has been married now for over 25 years, her first and only marriage. Based on the above averages, she is more of an exception to the rule. But there is an odd twist to her story: She and her husband have always been swingers. Yes, you heard that correctly: the two of them occasionally have sex with other people. 45% of seemingly monogamous marriages end in divorce and yet M and her husband are not monogamous and have defied the odds. I like to say that some people live extraordinary lives.
I asked M once to what she attributed their success, and she said, “It’s largely about two things... honesty and trust... [my husband] has been my best friend even as he became my lover and my partner... I felt that I could share anything with him that there was nothing that I had to hide... I knew always that he would respect me no matter what.”
Let me add that both of them play Second Life, are aware that each of them play, and are also aware they play with other people. Yes, in SL, just like in RL, each of them are sometimes involved with other people.
Final Word
Your average person in RL has little or no experience with the freedom offered in SL. Are they prepared to be open, honest, nonjudgmental, and accepting? Are they willing to leave their RL baggage at the door? Can they focus on others, on their partner, and not just on themselves? Are they willing to put their partner's happiness ahead of their own?
Don't think of me as trying to be some guru. I'm nobody special, just an average guy in the street. However, I've come to realize there are opportunities to live life differently and to live it better if I can only see the world from beyond my own backyard. And that idea is not just applicable to SL; it's also applicable to RL.
Afterthought
I ran across the following quote from Osho (1931-1990), an Indin philosopher and founder of the Rajneesh movement.
It's interesting to apply the metahor of a flower to compersion. Traditional views of relationships and marriage involve monogamy and possession. The flower means the other person is independent and free. If you two are together, you do it because you want to, not because you have to. The uninitiated seem to have wink wink nudge nudge ideas of people wildly running around with every person they meet, but the truth is far more circumspect. Our lives are filled with many people, friends, colleagues, acquaintances, etc. with whom we never have a truly intimate relationship. But it is admittedly possible to have more than one intimate relationship in our lives. The question is whether we are ready to embrace compersion and posssibly explore an aspect of life different from our traditions.
References
Wiktionary: compersion
Etymology
Coined by the Kerista Community in the 1970s. Possibly derived from French compère (“partner”), plus -sion, based on an earlier use of the French compérage to denote the practice of brothers-in-law sharing wives observed among Tupi people of the Brazilian Amazon.
compersion (uncountable)
* Vicarious joy associated with seeing one's partner have a joyful romantic or sexual relation with another.
Antonyms
* jealousy
Wikipedia: Polyamory: Compersion
Compersion is an empathetic state of happiness and joy experienced when another individual experiences happiness and joy. In the context of polyamorous relationships, it describes positive feelings experienced by an individual when their intimate partner is enjoying another relationship. Some have called it "the opposite or flip side of jealousy", is analogous to the "joy parents feel when their children get married", and a "positive emotional reaction to a lover's other relationship". The concept of compersion was originally coined by the Kerista Commune in San Francisco.
How Long Do Average U.S. Marriages Last?
Brides Magazine, Mar 2/2021, based on data from the U.S. Census Bureau
Wikipedia: Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice
Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice is a 1969 American comedy-drama film directed by Paul Mazursky, written by Mazursky and Larry Tucker, who also produced the film, and starring Natalie Wood, Robert Culp, Elliott Gould, and Dyan Cannon
2022-06-14
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Honesty & Trust are quite probably the two cornerstones on which every single relationship is built. Without those two things, Love cannot flourish
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