Self-Confidence: I Know I’m Good

I don’t think I’m good, I know I’m good.

I can now imagine you thinking: Such arrogance! Such an inflated sense of self-worth!

Hear me out! Please, let me explain!

In my life, I’ve met people who were taller than me, stronger than me, and faster than me. I’ve met people who were better educated, more well-traveled, spoke more languages, and were more talented in the arts, such as music, painting, and writing. I’ve met people who were smarter than me and even on the level of being a genius. In other words, I have been humbled by meeting people better than me. Yes, better than me: more money, more accomplishments, and more brains.

Then how can I say I’m good?

I take out a ten-dollar bill and lay it on the table. It’s worth ten dollars.

I then take out a twenty-dollar bill and lay it on the table. We can all agree that the twenty-dollar bill is worth more than the ten-dollar bill.

But guess what?

The ten-dollar bill is still worth ten dollars. Just because I’ve put a twenty-dollar bill beside it, I have not diminished the value of the ten-dollar bill. It’s still worth ten dollars.

I’m good. I have stood beside people better than me but I’m still good. I’ve been humbled but I have not been diminished. Being with somebody better is an opportunity to learn and hopefully better myself. But I’m still good. I’m still worth ten dollars.

In my previous piece “Aggressive Males and the Stupidity of Inexperience”, I spoke of males being impolite, demanding, and not acting very well. I even spoke about the phenomenon of “Incels”, probably the ultimate in modern day male craziness. Racism, sexism, homophobia, xenophobia, etc. are all signs, in my book, of weakness. I’m better than you. Such a person may think they’re good, but they don’t know it. As a consequence, they always have a doubt; they must always prove themselves, and what better way of doing so that denigrating somebody else so as to feel superior. Think about that for a second. Somebody feels better about themselves by putting down someone else. I can’t help feeling there’s something sorely lacking internally if a person feels so badly about themselves that they must attack somebody else in order to feel good about themselves.

I have met just about everybody: all ages, all classes, all levels of education, all races, all sexual orientations, all genders, and I am delighted by the diversity in the world. This is a wonderful planet.

But note I’m not in competition with any of these people. I’m good. I accept them; I don’t judge them. I’m good. I have no need to feel superior to them or anybody. I’m good. I know I’m good. And in the same way somebody better than me can be compassionate and help me; I want to be compassionate and help others. Pay it forward.

You can easily judge the character of a man

by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.

—Malcolm S. Forbes

Woe is me! Nobody likes me!
At one point is my life, I was mulling over that I didn’t like somebody. I don’t mean I was indifferent to him; I mean I really couldn’t stand the guy. I found his behaviour and his mannerisms irritating.

Suddenly, I had a flash of insight. If I didn’t like 100% of the people I meet, it stood to reason that 100% of the people who met me would not like me. Statistically, it seemed to be inevitable.

I walk down the street and randomly stop 100 people. There is bound to be at least one person I’m not going to care for. And the opposite must be true. If I stop 100 people, there is bound to be somebody who doesn’t care for me. It’s got to happen. I don’t see how anybody can avoid it.

The insight for me was that meeting somebody and not hitting off wasn’t quite so bad. Statistically, it was inevitable. Sure, it may sting a bit but I’m still good. I’m still a worthwhile human being. I’ve not been demoted and relegated to the back row. Of course, I would sometimes humorously look at somebody not liking me by saying that they don’t have a sophisticated enough palette to appreciate me as the fine wine I actually am. Your loss! Ain’t I a card?

My point is that I’m good, and I know I’m good. And I know that periodically I’m not going to hit it off with somebody. It’s unfortunate but I move on. I’ve heard it said that Second Life has over 800,000 active monthly users so if it doesn’t work out with somebody, I say that I still have 799,999 people to talk to.

Weak Men
I’m talking about men, but this could be applicable to women, to anybody! A true story:

My female friend M is confronted by a male who TPs into some area. The man demands sex from my friend. She refuses. He gets angry and begins to denigrate her looks.

What’s wrong with this scenario?

The man meets my friend and immediately demands sex. Demands. Not asks but demands. No, hello how do you do, just an immediate cut to the chase.

My friend refuses. She has the right to refuse. But the man gets angry as though it is his privilege to get sex.

He feels as though he’s lost his position of superiority, so he tries to regain it by belittling my friend.

I found this story bizarre and unsettling. As M suggested, this is an “Incel” type of personality, an inexperienced and insecure man who has the expectation of privilege but also has a sense of powerlessness. And on top of it, he does not understand what’s going on and gets frustrated because he’s unable to deal with the situation properly.

Confidence is Sexy
I’ve heard it said that it’s not what you’ve got, it’s what you do with it. Confidence, as it goes, is the sexiest of all traits. Some people can walk into a room, and they own it.

In SL, everybody can be beautiful. Marketplace provides all that is necessary to be a good-looking man or woman. But how far do looks go? I like to say that the packaging may catch my eye but it’s the contents which keep me coming back for more. I pay far more attention to the personality than the looks.

We’re all role playing
I contend that by merely logging into Second Life, we’re all role playing. Okay, I’m not playing a vampire, or a Neko, or a furry, or being part of some scenario like Gor; I’m basically playing myself, the RL me within the virtual world of SL but that is a role play. Am I this young? Am I this fit? Does my wardrobe consist of all the wonderful clothes I have in SL? Am I this scandalously flirtatious in RL? Can I actually step out on the dance floor in an RL ballroom and knowledgeably dance the waltz, the tango, and the cha-cha? I may say that I’m playing myself, but I am role playing another version of myself, an idealised version. Is that person self-confident?

Self-confidence vs Conceit
I want to emphasize something: I know I’m good, but I also know I’m not great. I know I can be better, and I strive to improve myself. Conceit is defined as excessive pride in oneself, so let’s not go overboard here. Nobody likes an arrogant show-off.

Final Word
I’ve been disturbed by the occasional story of overzealous men who demand what they want without regard for other people. I can’t help feeling it’s due to a lack of experience and a lack of understanding about other people, and how the world works. Life isn’t supposed to be a contest, fighting to see who’s going to get to the top of the heap. We’re all in this together. But admittedly, a person has to have self-confidence; they must believe in themselves.

References

Quote Investigator: Malcolm Forbes
In conclusion, based on current evidence QI would credit this quotation to Malcolm Forbes.

my blog: Aggressive Males and the Stupidity of Inexperience - Sep 11/2021
I have run across numerous stories, either in profiles or in conversations, of aggressive males demanding sex. No seduction, no chat, let’s just get right to it.

my blog: The S Word - Sep 26/2021
It’s an unwritten rule that white people can’t say the N word. The comedian Chris Rock has some hilarious bits talking about this idea, and the gist of it is that only blacks can use the N word.

2021-10-28

Flickr: What is the risk of having my account terminated?

On Monday, October 25, 2021, I clicked on the bookmarked URL for D’s Flickr and was met with a Page Not Found error. My friend is the admin of a Flickr group, and I discovered her name had disappeared. I contacted D, and she was surprised and shocked by the news. Was this a computer glitch? What else could have gone wrong? She said she was contacting Flickr.

On Tuesday, the following day, in checking other friends, I discovered L’s Flickr account had vanished.

I had an interesting chat with N, a well-known photographer who uses Flickr. She had her Flickr account deleted back in 2020. She requested an investigation. She found out why and even which particular photo was deemed unfit for Flickr, justifying the termination of the whole account. Rather than appeal, a complicated process, N created a new account and started over.

I can’t help thinking of Tumblr, and its mass transition to a non-porn platform, adversely affecting millions of people. Which platform can any of us depend on? Are we all taking a risk using any of these services?

Flickr: Terms of Service
For years, I’ve seen the fine print for services and software which says I can’t hold them liable if I use their stuff and anything goes wrong. It’s an interesting idea: I engage somebody to do something for me but they’re not responsible if they screw up.

On the other hand, how many of us actually read the rules to find out just what we can and can’t do?

Under Terms of Service, I find Community Guidelines which lists Things not to do, prefaced with:

Here's the deal: We like to give second chances. However, when we discover you stepping across any of the lines listed below, we will take action, which may mean deleting your account with or without warning.

I see what I suppose are standard things:

• Don’t violate copyright laws.
• Don’t harm children.
• Don’t be creepy.
• Don’t upload content that is illegal or prohibited.
• Don’t use hate speech.

... etc.

I make specific mention of “Don't forget to moderate your content” as it merits its own explanation page.

Photos and videos should be categorized as:

• Safe - Acceptable to a global, public audience
• Moderate - Partial nudity, like bare breasts and bottoms
• Restricted - full-frontal nudity and sexual acts; photos only–videos cannot contain restricted content and are deleted if reported

This also notes that accounts themselves are categorized using the same safety levels, indicating if the content has been properly categorized or not. It’s not clear to me if this represents grounds for the termination of an account. In the beginning, I posted a tasteful nude of my Second Life avatar with the default of Safe, all naughty bits hidden. A while later, a bot switched the category to Moderate. In that case, I wasn’t terminated. I then noticed the category of my account was Moderate, meaning I had incorrectly classified something, so I went through changing various things to Restricted and ended up with my account listed as Safe.

I also make specific mention of “Don’t forget to set the appropriate content type” as that, too, gets its own explanation page.

The content type categories are as follows:

• Photos / Videos
• Illustration/Art / Animation/CGI or other non-photographic images, or
• Screencasts / Screenshots - what's a screenshot

I had no idea this content type categorization even existed, and I had to hunt around to figure out where to see it and where to set it. Under settings, you can specific the default categories for searching pictures. Under Organize, you can set the category of an image. Oddly enough, you can’t see the category on the page of the image itself. In reading one of the forums, a user said this used to be visible but is no longer. There was also a message from the CEO of Flickr welcoming Second Life photographers and seeming to say the screenshot category is no longer required.

How can my account be deleted?
Good question. I’m not sure I have a clear-cut answer for that. During my chat with N, she explained there are self-appointed arbiters of taste, and there is always the possibility that some random person could file a complaint about any image, triggering an investigation by Flickr. Okay, I slowly say, wondering about differences of opinion. I’ve seen some pretty graphic sexual images from SL photographers: oral sex, penetration, and money shots and so far, those people’s work is still online. What did D and L do to merit being terminated? Am I going to someday offend some stranger’s sensibilities and find my Flickr gone in a flash? In a pre-emptive strike, I’ve taken to classifying all of my photos as Restricted, thinking I’m not going to get my wrist slapped for being overly cautious.

An Observation: Sex vs Violence
Just now, I scanned through a number of photos, checking their safety levels. A photo of a scantily clad woman is rated as Moderate while a Halloween photo of Victorian England street scene where Jack the Ripper is about to stab a woman with a knife is marked as Safe. Sex bad, violence good. It is what it is, and we must accept the culture we live in and follow the rules.

Nevertheless, I’m reminded of George Carlin’s Seven Words You Can't Say On Television where he replaces the word kill with the word f**k and retells a movie cliché: Okay, sheriff, we’re going to f**k you now. But we’re gonna f**k you slow.

Yes, sex is more of a corrupting influence than violence.

Final Word
It would seem that Flickr can terminate any account without warning. According to the Terms of Service, it would seem there may be no recourse for the user. As of this moment, I now personally know three people who’ve had their accounts deleted.

Why am I using this service? If I’m posting anything which bumps into the Community Guidelines, specifically sex related, am I using the right service?

I see thousands of SL users who have posted thousands of photos, representing an unquantifiable amount of time and effort who are all susceptible to being terminated. Now, I’m sure anyone could argue we all face such condemnation in society, that is, we should not cross the line of accepted so-called normal behavior, but is there a question of a difference in taste? Old saying: One person’s pornography is another person’s erotica. What offends them doesn’t offend you.

Recommendations:

• Restricted
  By default, when you set up an account, the Safety Level is Safe. Under my settings, I've changed this to Restricted. Now, when I upload, I don't inadvertently make a mistake. To be quite frank, I do not understand the visibility of the different levels. While I get the Safe means a wider audience, how big of a difference does it make for my viewership?
• Restricted by reference
  While I publish an image which is innocuous, I may include links in the description to other things, like my blog, where I may have restricted content. Consequently, the image should also be restricted.
• Moderate
  Let me repeat Flickr's own words: Partial nudity, like bare breasts and bottoms. Would you walk down the street like that in real life?
• Private
  By default, photos are public. By setting this to Private, I have a chance to review what I'm doing before "publishing" my image by manually switching to Public.
• Backup
  I must have my own backup of all my images. Flickr's ToS specifically says it's not a cloud service so do not rely on it to store your images.

And I add that none of us know whether at some point, some self-appointed arbiter of good taste takes exception to our work and calls in the Flickr police. Good luck to us all. Too harsh? Let me remind you that Flickr is a private company and can do whatever the heck it wants. When we sign up, we agree to their Terms of Service, and if we violate their rules, they have the right to boot us off their platform. Ignorance is not an excuse; the onus is on us to read the ToS and Community Guidelines.

After Tumblr, I discovered newTumbl. After Flickr, will I discover newFlick?

References

Wikipedia: Flickr
Flickr is an American image hosting and video hosting service, as well as an online community, founded in Canada and headquartered in the United States. It was created by Ludicorp in 2004 and is a popular way for amateur and professional photographers to host high-resolution photos. It has changed ownership several times and has been owned by SmugMug since April 20, 2018.

Flickr: Terms of Service
If you violate the Terms of Use, Flickr at its sole discretion may (i) require you to remedy any violation thereof and/or (ii) take any other actions that Flickr deems appropriate to enforce its rights and pursue available remedies.

Flickr: Community Guidelines
When we discover you stepping across any of the lines listed below, we will take action, which may mean deleting your account with or without warning.

2021-10-26

The S Word

It’s an unwritten rule that white people can’t say the N word. The comedian Chris Rock has some hilarious bits talking about this idea, and the gist of it is that only blacks can use the N word. By extension, only Jews can make fun of Jews; only Indians can make fun of Indians, etc.

I would put forward that the S word (slut) deserves the same treatment. There is a lot of hate in the word, and its casual use can easily be misconstrued as derogatory. We live in a culture that sex shames. Why? I’ve heard it said that this is based on religious upbringing. Religion teaches us that it is through suffering that we can gain access to Heaven, consequently, anything pleasurable, especially sex, must be considered bad. This is where sex-shaming comes from.

Going back to the story of the Garden of Eden, Eve convinced Adam to taste the forbidden fruit and thus, both were cast out of paradise. Eve, and women in general, are to be blamed for the woes of man. Since pleasure is considered verboten, that is, sex is bad; it follows that women are bad, especially about sex. Hence, we have slut-shaming. It’s curious to note that the S word here refers to anything sexual. I’m reminded of an old joke.

Question: What’s the definition of a nymphomaniac?

Answer: Someone who wants sex more than me.

In other words, this is all subjective and varies from person to person.

The other day, I read this in a gentleman’s profile:

I refuse to call you a "bitch", "whore", "slut" or any other bullshit label that heaps social shame on you for needing what absolutely EVERYONE else needs. If you wanna call YOURSELF "slut" then do it because you're PROUD of taking what you need and deserve.

Like the N word, the S word is the privilege of a woman. I, as a man, should never use the term; I don’t have the right to use the term.

Sex is not bad; it’s good. I consider sex to be a gift from God. It’s an integral part of being human, and it’s a wonderful part of being alive. Unfortunately, due probably to religion, we misinterpret sex and end up ashamed, unable to cope with our natural desires and the unnatural ideal of a sexless existence. Note that I said natural desires. We are all sexual creatures. We mustn’t be embarrassed by this; we must embrace it.

An Amusing Contradiction
I’ve seen this in my life. A man wants good sex; he fantasizes about it. He hopes to have a partner who is a good lover. And yet, that same man will contribute to the sex-shaming and the slut-shaming of our society. I have actually heard men refer to women using the S word, inferring that they are somehow less worthy as women. It’s curious in some Christian circles how virginity is prized. The joke for me is that I don’t want a virgin; I want a mature, experienced lover. Inexperience in the bedroom is not fun.

Final Word
We all have the right to our sexuality, regardless of race, color, creed, or gender. Women can be just a sexual as men, and there is nothing inherently wrong with that. It is, however, wrong to disseminate the traditional sex-shaming and slut-shaming which exists in society. The S word is meant to be derogatory but there is nothing derogatory about being sexual. If a woman decides to reclaim her sexuality by using the S word, that is her choice but I, as a man, will not use the word. We all need to make the world a better place, and we should all be free to enjoy our inherent right to be sexual. We’re all in this together.

References

Wikipedia: Slut
Slut is generally a term for a person, especially a woman or girl, who is considered to have loose sexual morals or who is sexually promiscuous. It is usually used as an insult, sexual slur or offensive term of disparagement (slut-shaming). It originally meant "a dirty, slovenly woman", and is rarely used to refer to men, generally requiring clarification by use of the terms male slut or man whore.

The first recorded use of the word was a 1386 reference to a man, in Geoffrey Chaucer's The Canterbury Tales, in which he is referring to the man's untidy appearance.

Slut-shaming is a related term, referring to the act of drawing attention to a person's promiscuous behavior for the purpose of shaming them socially. From the late 20th century, there have been attempts to reclaim the word, exemplified by various SlutWalk parades, and some individuals embrace the title as a source of pride.

my blog: Aggressive Males and the Stupidity of Inexperience – 2021-09-11
I have run across numerous stories, either in profiles or in conversations, of aggressive males demanding sex. No seduction, no chat, let’s just get right to it. As I’ve said elsewhere in this blog, the number one complaint I’ve seen in reading scores of profiles is about the male walking around with his junk out, asking every woman, “Wanna f*ck?”

2021-09-26

Aggressive Males and the Stupidity of Inexperience

If it happens once; it’s an anomaly. If it happens repeatedly, it’s a phenomenon.

I have run across numerous stories, either in profiles or in conversations, of aggressive males demanding sex. No seduction, no chat, let’s just get right to it. As I’ve said elsewhere in this blog, the number one complaint I’ve seen in reading scores of profiles is about the male walking around with his junk out, asking every woman, “Wanna f*ck?” What in heavens name is going through such a man’s head that he thinks such an approach is going to work? Is he stupid? Insane? Or is he so inexperienced, he literally has no idea of how to properly deal with his hormones?

Inara Pey is the author of the wonderful blog “Living in a Modemworld” (https://modemworld.me). On July 28, 2021, she posted a link to her latest piece in the Feed. I noted this comment from eishalanae33:

Come fuck me next

Needless to say, I was appalled. I respect Ms. Pey and her work but more importantly, nobody, woman or man, should have to put up with such crude comments. I suppose all of us would normally pass by and move on to other things however, I decided to call out my fellow man for bad behaviour. As well as commenting on Ms. Pey’s entry, I IMed this guy:

I noticed your comment on Ms. Pey's posting.

Ms. Pey is a very good blogger. What you said was inappropriate and believe me, such an approach is never going to get you laid.

I'm sure you're a better man than this. Such crude comments are not worthy of you.

SL has a lot to offer if, and I emphasize IF you do it right.

Good luck.

Aside: In writing this, I went back to examine the details and discovered the account was created on July 28, 2021, with no other information or activity. Was this a troll account for a one-time deal?

Dick Pics

If, in reading a profile, I find a relatively new rez date, I like to say hello and welcome the person to Second Life. Sometimes, these are people coming back, starting afresh, but sometimes these are first timers.

A few months back, I meet a woman who had been on all of one week. She had RL friends that helped her get set up, create a mesh avatar, etc. At some point in talking about various topics, she informed me she had already received five unsolicited dick pics. Five. In a week. What?

I’m sure the initial reaction is disgust, talking about laws against it, and sex education for the perpetrators. But I got curious as to why. I’m older — I was born before the Internet! — but I don’t remember ever, and I mean ever, being tempted to send a picture of my penis to anyone. So why do some men do it? If it was once or twice, we could talk about an aberration, a mental instability, a nutjob. However, it happens so often, it’s statistically significant which means we’re talking about a cultural phenomenon. There is something going on in our society. Just what is it?

Curious, I asked the question "Why do men send dick pics?" An answer from a 2019 study: "The researchers found that men who sent unsolicited images tended to be younger, more narcissistic, and more sexist. The most common motivation for sending such an image was hoping to receive sexual pictures in return, followed by hoping to turn on the recipient." (PsyPost – Sep 8, 2019) 

Wanna f*ck?

I’ve read countless times in women’s profiles about guys who walk right up to them and ask, “Wanna f*ck?” Really? That’s your come-on? That’s the way you ingratiate yourself to a total stranger with the hopes of seducing them.

I’ve noted many times that women post in their profiles, in one of more Picks, a “Wall of Shame” entry, listing verbatim dialogue they’ve had with an aggressive male. This is not something anybody should be proud of. The talk is not charming, clever, witty, or even funny. It is crude and just plain stupid.

A woman who is a good friend of mine, recounted how she was DJing at her own club when a man showed up out of the blue and started to chat with her.

[19:23] [the guy]: hey cutie

[19:24] [my friend]: welcome to the club.

[19:25] [the guy]: oh i feel welcome i want to fuck u in half

[19:25] [my friend]: oh...you charmer

[19:25] [the guy]: thank u baby

[19:25] [my friend]: do you mean break me in half or just half as well

[19:26] [the guy]: lets put it like this u wont be able to walk for a few hours after that pounding

[19:27] [my friend]: mmmmmmm

[19:27] [the guy]: i want to play woth u so bad

[19:28] [my friend]: i have no doubt...the list is long and distinguished

[19:30] [my friend]: i will need at least three references...a current address and previous address if less than two years residence...a current bank statement, a statement of income and a list of any real estate holdings, or stocks and bonds

[19:30] [the guy]: hahhaq

[19:30] [the guy]:: u want all that for a fucking

[19:31] [my friend]: oh no...thats just to see if you can get on the list

[19:31] [the guy]: i see

[19:32] [the guy]: want to take u back to my place and show u a good time

[19:33] [my friend]: Aren’t you having a good time already? I know I am.

[19:33] [the guy]: oh i am

[19:33] [the guy]: but i want that ass more

My friend was so amused at the stupidity of this exchange, she shared the above dialogue with all the staff working that night and shared it with me the next day. While this guy is a funny idiot, I have mulled over how he seems to be unaware that he is an idiot. I like to say that if someone is an asshole in Second Life; there’s a good chance they’re an asshole in Real Life. If this guy is polite and respectful in Real Life, or at least he’s not an idiot, is he that way not because he knows better but because he knows that in Real Life he’ll be called out, possibly punched out, or even arrested when somebody files a complaint with the police?

It's curious. In Second Life, with anonymity, with a new identity, we are all free to say or do anything we want without fear of criticism or condemnation. Just what do we do with “total freedom”?

"You can easily judge the character of a man by
how he treats those who can do nothing for him."
—Malcolm S. Forbes

Incel

This next part isn’t going to be funny. In fact, this is serious, it’s disturbing, and it’s scary crazy.

Full disclosure: I live in Toronto, Canada in the northern section of the city. On April 23, 2018, I was about to leave for my gym at 1pm when I got held up and instead left at 2pm. I traversed the four blocks to Yonge Street to do my normal kilometre trip to the gym. I walked into a war zone. Every intersection was blocked off with police cars with flashing lights. Not only were police officers everywhere, but there were also tactical officers wearing body armor and holding semi-automatic rifles across their chest. On top of it, there were military also dressed in battles fatigues similarly armed. I’ve lived in Toronto off and on for forty years, and I had never seen anything like this. What the dickens was going on? Terrorist attack?

Businesses along Yonge were shuttered. I managed to get a coffee at a shop on a back street and watched a large-screen TV showing the 24-hour news. Alek Minassian, in a rented van, drove two kilometres down Yonge Street, mostly on the sidewalk, killing 10 people and injuring another 16. If I had left at 1pm as I had originally intended, I would have been on that sidewalk. A man I didn't know, who I had never met, with whom I had never any contact whatsoever, would have run me over simply because I had the bad luck of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

In researching the incident, I discovered the term Incel, derived from Involuntary Celibate. Alek Minassian is one of a group of psychologically unbalanced men, mostly white, who are upset they can’t seem to get laid. Their frustration goes beyond the norm to the point of seeing life as being unfair to them and to lash out by randomly killing people. Minassian even referred to Elliot Rodgers, an infamous Incel who in 2014 published an “Incel Manifesto” before going on a rampage, killing six people, and injuring another fourteen, and then committing suicide.

Obviously, Incel is an extreme case and a disturbing one however, I can’t help seeing a relation with the aggressive male, not asking for but demanding sex as if this is some sort of entitlement of the male gender. Experts, for a long time, have complained about a lack of sex education in our society. The fact that the rate of divorce stands around 40%-50% is testimony that people don’t necessarily have it together when it comes to relationships.

In this blog, I have written about ballroom dancing as being a metaphor for relationships, whether dating, marriage, or even BDSM and D/s. In dancing, a man and a woman each have predefined roles, following rules, practiced steps, etc. to achieve a synergistic coordination. My conclusion is that some (many?) people don’t know how to dance, and some (many?) men don’t know how to lead. This makes for bad dancing and by extension, bad relationships.

Final Word

I’m reminded of an old joke. A guy walks into a bar every night and asks fifty women to sleep with him. He gets slapped in the face forty-nine times, but he never goes home alone.

I would not in a million years send a woman a dick pic. I would never walk up to a woman I didn’t know and ask, “Wanna f*ck?” I would say to any man who uses such an approach that if he gets a favorable response, I will wonder, statistically speaking, of the chances his so-called woman being another man, driving a female avatar, a G.I.R.L. (Guy In Real Life). While I suppose there are women who are also aggressive and want to cut to the chase, I think they are the exception to the rule. Don’t we all want some sort of role play, some interaction, some sort of story to frame our carnal interaction?

If guys think they’re doing okay, I will point out the following copied from a woman’s profile:

If there's one thing I don't understand, it's about you guys. Some love PR, some love action, some are like chewing gum, some assholes, I can't define anything about men. Just that they are empty minds with little content in the greatest percentages.

How many women are rolling their eyes at the stupidity of a male? While Mr. Hotshot is puffing out his chest as cock of the walk, the ladies are off to one side pointing and sniggering at him.

I’m embarrassed for my own gender. I think we as men can do a far better job of being, well, men, not snickering little boys, inexperienced, uneducated, unsophisticated, and just plain stupid. Parents, the school system, and our society has to do a better job of educating the next generation, but I also think individuals need to recognise that they don’t know how to “dance”.

Old saying:

Don’t be a perverted asshole; be a perverted gentleman.

References

Wikipedia: Toronto Van Attack

A domestic terrorist vehicle-ramming attack occurred on April 23, 2018, when a rented van was driven along Yonge Street through the North York City Centre business district in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. The driver, Alek Minassian, targeted pedestrians, killing 10 and injuring 16, some critically. The incident is the deadliest vehicle-ramming attack in Canadian history.

Wikipedia: Incel

An incel, an abbreviation of "involuntary celibate", is a member of an online subculture of people who define themselves as unable to find a romantic or sexual partner despite desiring one. Discussions in incel forums are often characterized by resentment and hatred, misogyny, misanthropy, self-pity and self-loathing, racism, a sense of entitlement to sex, and the endorsement of violence against women and sexually active people. The American nonprofit Southern Poverty Law Center (SPLC) described the subculture as "part of the online male supremacist ecosystem" that is included in their list of hate groups. Incels are mostly male and heterosexual, and many sources report that incels are predominantly white.

New psychology research reveals men’s motives for sending unsolicited dick pics

PsyPost – Sep 8, 2019

Men who send unsolicited images of their private parts primarily do so with the hopes of receiving either similar images or sexual interactions in return, according to a new study published in the Journal of Sex Research.

my blog: Ballroom Dancing and Relationships: D/s, BDMS, even Marriage - 2019-10-07

In RL, I’ve taken ballroom dance lessons. I’m in no way an expert, but I learned enough to have an appreciation for the work and dedication that goes into mastering what one could and maybe should consider a life skill.

Some months ago, I was chatting online with a woman about the subject of this article. At some point, I said I was going to send her my "dick pic". She laughed and laughed. Ain't I a card?

2021-09-11

Second Life Drama

How exactly to succinctly define drama in Second Life? People taking offence at what somebody else said. People saying bad things about other people. People seemingly focused on the negative. Sorry, did I say drama in Second Life? Heck, this sounds like drama in real life!

I ran across this entry about drama in the Second Life Wiki:

A way of relating to the world in which a person consistently overreacts to or greatly exaggerates the importance of benign events in Second Life.

Typically, drama is created and perpetuated by people who are chronically bored.

People who engage in drama will usually attempt to drag other people into their dramatic state, as a way of gaining attention or making their own lives more exciting.

As I’ve said elsewhere, we get an avatar, anonymity, and essentially a new identity but we remain irrevocably our RL mind. We may role play, a vampire, a Neko, a furry, or a character with an extensive backstory, but our persona is still the RL person pulling the strings from behind the curtain, with all their likes, dislikes, and foibles.

From my experience, I have a theory about happy and unhappy.

Happy people are kind, generous, and sympathetic if not empathetic.

Unhappy people are mean, cruel, and always find fault with others, never with themselves.

There are a number of unhappy people in both worlds, SL and RL. We jokingly say that somebody is having a bad day, but I’ve heard stories about people that lead me to conclude they’re having a bad life.

Bumping

I’ve been in SL, off and on, for eleven years. In writing this posting, I remembered two incidents which, thankfully, have never been repeated.

The first time, I was at one of the landing sites devoted to new people, information kiosks, links to resources, and assistants to provide one-on-one help.

I had wandered into a park area when somebody bumped into me. I excused myself and moved aside. The person bumped me again. I said sorry and moved away. The person followed me and bumped me. By now, I had clued in that something strange was going on. As I moved about, this person followed me and kept knocking into me. Repeated IMs were met with silence. Finally, I TPed elsewhere.

The second time, I was sitting in a cinema with a female friend. A guy stood in front of us, blocking the screen. I IMed him, explaining the situation. He didn’t move and didn’t say anything.

We got up and changed seats. The guy followed us and once again blocked the screen. I IMd him again but no response. My friend derezzed the man while I contacted the owner of the cinema who just happened to be online. I described the situation and gave him the name of the man. In the space of thirty seconds, our ne’ er-do-well was banned by the owner and kicked out of the SIM.

I’ve reflected on these events, wondering about the motivation of the individuals. I can see some validity to the idea expressed above that the people were bored. I think of myself as just a normal, average guy, polite, respectful, and friendly, somebody you may meet in the checkout line of your neighbourhood grocery store. Why pick on me?

But all of us have our quirks, some more than others, and some of those quirks may border on the line with the socially unacceptable. Border? I jokingly say that somebody has stepped over the line, drawn a new line, and then stepped over it!

Therapy

I like to read profiles. Some are blank; some are interesting; and some are — not to mince words — disturbing. Yes, disturbing! I can’t help feeling that the person in question should be spending less time on SL and more time on a therapist’s couch. Is this individual going to end up being an RL headline after having gone berserk at a shopping mall?

The Confusion of Text
You view somebody’s thoughts in black and white; you read text, just text. No intonation of vocal tone. No facial expressions. Did the person properly express their meaning by choosing the right words and phrases? Did I properly interpret those words? A lot is up for misinterpretation. Anger? Sarcasm?

To make up for this potential for misunderstanding, I’ve said that I need to err on the side of caution and “over-explain” myself. In the IM chat window, if I preface text with “/me”, the subsequent words are italicized, which can be interpreted as action or thoughts.

I write in IM chat: /me wonders what to do.

Person sees: Hugh Toussaint wonders what to do.

If I’m trying to be funny, I can add “Ha, ha, ha!” or type an action “/me chuckles”. If I’m sarcastic, sad, or angry, I can do likewise. Sidebar: I’m never angry. I may feign anger sometimes as a joke, but I don’t think I’ve ever been truly angry on SL. Life is too short.

"I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant."
Attributed to Robert McCloskey, U.S. State Department spokesman, by Marvin Kalb, CBS reporter, in TV Guide, 31 March 1984, citing an unspecified press briefing during the Vietnam war. (Quotes, Your Dictionary)

Banning or blocking

I don't think I've ever banned or blocked anybody. I approach people with politeness and respect. Sometimes, it's obvious we're not hitting off, so I politely move on, but I see no reason to escalate things to an all-out fight.

Many, many years ago, I made an interesting personal discovery. I made note that I didn't like everybody I met. The majority of people were just your average person but some I found uninteresting, some were boring, and once in a blue moon, I found them actually repulsive. Ugh! Get me out of here!

But the revelation for me was in realising that one hundred per cent of the people didn't like me. Yes, if statistically, I didn't like everybody I met, statistically, not everybody I met liked me. Of course, I humorously assuaged my ego by saying I was an acquired taste or that an unsophisticated palette did not appreciate me as the fine wine I am, but I took it in stride and moved on. It's not the end of the world. Statistically speaking, there are still a heck of a lot of people in the world with whom I may very well hit it off!  Why worry about the ones who don't work out?

I've heard there are 800,000 active monthly users in Second Life. If I don't hit it off with someone, I  shake my fist at the sky and curse, "Oh, shoot! I only have 799,999 people to talk to!" Ha, ha!

RL Mindset

SL is a virtual world in which we can all conduct ourselves in a manner quite different from Real Life. However, it seems that some people bring quite a bit of their RL into SL: marriage, monogamy, dishonesty, lying, cheating, etc. As opposed to being open and honest, people continue to live as how they live in RL: afraid of criticism and condemnation. It's curious to see that what goes wrong in SL is representative of what's wrong in RL.

"If You Tell the Truth, You Don’t Have to Remember Anything."

-Unknown (misattributed to Mark Twain)

Personally, I'm open and honest. Why not? If you can't be truthful in a virtual world where you're protected by anonymity and have no reason to lie, where can you be truthful? What do I gain by not telling the truth? I've had to chuckle when I've met somebody in the most, ahem, scandalous of sex SIMs only to have them tell me they were only exploring. I've noted that we come to SL to explore this virtual world but then end up exploring ourselves. While it's difficult to be honest with other people, it's also difficult to be honest with ourselves. [me jokingly feigning shock] "You like to do what???" Ha, ha, ha!

Final Word

I come to SL to have fun. I hope that everyone with whom I interact also has fun.

"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."

-Ernestine Ulmer (1892-1987), American author.

If I don't "click" with someone, I politely move on. At the end of the day, I hope everyone ends up in a good place with good people. I like to think of myself as basically a happy person so I'm not going to dwell on the bad.

All the best to you in your worlds (plural: SL * RL). :-)

References

Second Life Wiki: Drama

Does Second Life Have Way More Player Drama Than Traditional MMOs?
- New World Notes, Aug 10,2020 Bugs in Second Life may be less annoying than they are in structured, standard MMOs like Elder Scrolls Online, but here's something that does bug some SLers -- the open-ended virtual world seems to have way more player-to-player drama.

What Is It About Second Life and Other Virtual Worlds That Incites So Much Drama?
- Ryan Schultz, Aug 17, 2018 Following the many online communities that have sprung up around various virtual worlds over the past decade (especially Second Life), I often find myself wondering about what it is about them that seems to bring out such a high level of conflict and drama.

Wikipedia: Sock and buskin
The sock and buskin are two ancient symbols of comedy and tragedy. In ancient Greek theatre, actors in tragic roles wore a boot called a buskin (Latin cothurnus). The actors with comedic roles wore only a thin-soled shoe called a sock (Latin soccus).

Melpomene, the muse of tragedy, is often depicted holding the tragic mask and wearing buskins. Thalia, the muse of comedy, is similarly associated with the mask of comedy and comic's socks. Some people refer to the masks themselves as "Sock and Buskin."

2021-06-27

Anaïs Nin: I do not want to be the leader

“I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.”
-Anaïs Nin (1903-1977), French-American author

References

Wikipedia: Anaís Nin
Angela Anaïs Juana Antolina Rosa Edelmira Nin y Culmell (February 21, 1903 – January 14, 1977), known professionally as Anaïs Nin, was a French-Cuban-American diarist, essayist, novelist and writer of short stories and erotica. Born to Cuban parents in France, Nin was the daughter of composer Joaquín Nin and Rosa Culmell, a classically trained singer. Nin spent her early years in Spain and Cuba, about sixteen years in Paris (1924–1940), and the remaining half of her life in the United States, where she became an established author.

Nin wrote journals prolifically from age eleven until her death. Her journals, many of which were published during her lifetime, detail her private thoughts and personal relationships. Her journals also describe her marriages to Hugh Parker Guiler and Rupert Pole, in addition to her numerous affairs, including those with psychoanalyst Otto Rank and writer Henry Miller, both of whom profoundly influenced Nin and her writing.

In addition to her journals, Nin wrote several novels, critical studies, essays, short stories, and volumes of erotica. Much of her work, including the collections of erotica Delta of Venus and Little Birds, was published posthumously amid renewed critical interest in her life and work. Nin spent her later life in Los Angeles, California, where she died of cervical cancer in 1977.

DominantSoul: What is Sensual Domination?
Question: Do you use strong language or speak aggressively to express your dominance?

This is such a great question because it highlights many confused misconceptions about the nature of BDSM & Dominance, especially as it applies to Sensual Domination. As a Dominant, you should NEVER need to act aggressively or raise your voice to a woman. Dominance is about exuding calm, confidence not domineering aggression, intimidation or control.

You are not trying to control a woman. You are trying to seduce her mind.

2021-06-26

On the Internet, Nobody Knows You're a Dog

I've been amused over the years to discover that on SL, there are none of the barriers that exist in RL. Regardless of age, wealth, class, education, experience, or country, we are, for the most part, equal. We are all merely disembodied minds.

This means we meet people we would never meet in RL.

Normally, I play "immersively" but as I've said, a little RL always creeps into the mix, and I think a little RL can bring depth to our online persona. I give, from time to time, if the situation calls for it, my "RL spiel", detailing my city and country of origin and my age. The city tells people my time zone, and my age, well, that gives a perspective on the disembodied mind.

I'm 69 years old from Toronto, Canada.

Last week, a young lady, a twentysomething I guess, told me I was older than her dad. Ha, ha!

All of this now has a different perspective. But that's the RL me saying that. How often in real life would a 20-year-old woman talk with a 69-year-old man?

Then again, in SL, we remain our avatars. What's behind the curtain doesn't really count. (My Wizard of Oz reference for the day.)

It is still curious, interesting, maybe amusing to contemplate the disembodied mind. We are our avatar, in general, a good-looking, physically fit twentysomething. However, as well as meeting people from all over the world, I've met all age groups, and most people are not twentysomething. 40, 50, 60, I once danced with an 85-year-old woman!

Could I argue that age is a state of mind? Once upon a time, I was chatting with two ladies in a clothing store and thinking, based on their avatars, they were young, probably in their twenties. It turned out that one was 55 and the other was 61!

As I said, for the most part, age, like the other attributes I listed above, education, country of origin, etc., do not crop up in conversations. I deal with the avatar in front of me. But once in a while, in a subsequent conversation, we may decide to give a little background information, hence, my RL spiel. It is a unique opportunity to talk with someone I normally wouldn't converse with in RL  It is interesting to discover that we all are the same, human beings with hopes, dreams, and aspirations. In an era of great political divisiveness and in recognition of June as Pride Month, I want to point out that we're all in this together; inclusiveness is a good thing. In SL, strip away the RL and leave the mind, and we all get a chance to see ourselves as part of the human race.

Aside: In another posting, I will discuss what may be the elephant in the room for some people: Men with female avatars. I'll leave this posting just about age.

my blog: Why do guys role play girls? - Jun 15/2022
It would seem that about 10% of the population is gay. That’s RL, Real Life. In SL, Second Life, the percentage is higher, a lot higher. In fact, I don’t think I can take ten steps without running into a lesbian. What gives?


References

Wikipedia: On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog

"On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog" is an adage and Internet meme about Internet anonymity which began as a caption to a cartoon drawn by Peter Steiner and published by The New Yorker on July 5, 1993.

2021-06-16

In the Library by Natalie Gem

Natalie Gem is freelance photographer in Second Life. I originally ran across her work trending in my feed and had the opportunity to meet this charming personality. The picture below, featuring the two of us, is the product of her wicked sense of humor.

Ms. Gem has an abundant and creative output. In her Flickr, she posts almost daily, an imaginative picture of herself in a unique setting. Each photo could be considered a one-picture story, leaving the viewer to invent their own tale to explain the situation. She manages to present a new wardrobe and a new setting with each photo, seeming to never repeat herself. I've joked with Ms. Gem that she has such an extensive wardrobe, almost limitless, I'm wondering if Linden Labs maintains a separate server just to house her inventory.

I would highly recommend dropping by: visit her Flickr and see her work in-world.

Second Life Profile: Natalie Gem (natalie.peppermint)

(FYI: You must be logged into SL to see this profile.)

Flickr: Natalie Gem

(FYI: You must be logged into Flickr to see these pictures.)

SURL: Peppermint Girls Gallery and Gem Photography Studio

(FYI: This link opens a web page showing the destination on a map of Second Life. Clicking on the option "Visit this location" will attempt to launch the viewer if it is installed.)

2021-06-11

Second Life Profiles

I've read a lot of profiles. I mean hundreds of profiles. Some are good. Some are bad. After reading so many, I see themes, commonalities representing the SL experience.

Some leave their profiles blank, missing out on this wonderful opportunity to make first impression. Our profile is our calling card. It is a chance to explain who we are and what we're looking for in (second) life.

I don't have time to chat with everyone and have come to use profiles to separate the wheat from the chaff, so to speak. I'm sure there are nice people out there with a blank profile, but I'm trying to reduce the time I waste while online. I don't "click" with everybody. On the other hand, everybody doesn't "click" with me. Statistically, it's a forgone conclusion we are not going to hit it off with everyone we meet so using a profile to filter out potentially bad matches, we can hopefully reduce the time we waste online.

As such, in any meeting area, I always start with reading profiles. If a profile is blank, I discard it and move on to the next person. What the person has written in their biography makes me decide to discard it or look further.

Picks allow someone to further write about themselves. Oddly enough,  I find some Picks are merely a collection of locations like Stores, with the description of the store. The person has not best exploited their picks as a means of communication. Unless the biography is exceptional, I discard the profile and move on to the next person.

Going through the list of Groups can further describe who a person is and what they're looking for. Some, of course, like me, hide their groups. Why do I hide my groups? My online persona is a gentleman. Consequently, I show groups that support that idea. I also jokingly tell people that I hide the more scandalous of my groups because I hate meeting people, have them open my profile, and then go running from the room screaming. Ha, ha! But on a more serious note, I like to reveal the more, ahem, scandalous part of my personality at the right time and the right place. In referring to that number one complaint I've seen in profiles about men broaching the topic of sex at first meeting, I like to meet people, chat, and find out who they are, and then explore more intimate options if we "click".

Common Themes
The tone of some profiles is negative. The person has had bad experiences in Second Life, and their profile reflects self-defence. Bad experiences are unfortunate, but we must remain upbeat. I've seen people actually say something to the effect that if you ask about R.L., I'll tell you to F.O. Okay, I get it. Some people are inquisitive and bothersome about it. But I can't help feeling that it is better to deal with issues with humour rather than anger. Let me give you an example.

In reading profiles, I'd say the number one complaint people have is about men running around with their dick out, asking every woman "Wanna f*ck?" Okay, that could be annoying. Ha! But here's my joke for all the ladies. If a guy asks you "Wanna f*ck?", you reply, "Yes. Just not with you." Humour can be more disarming than anger. I'm sure that will send the horny little boy home with his tail between his legs, so to speak. :-)

Inquiries about RL
Hey, people are curious! Guys tend to be leery of women, wondering if there's a man behind the scenes driving the avatar. I'm afraid homophobia is far more prevalent in our society than we care to admit. I was amused how one woman pointed out that you see women advertising they're voice-verified, but you don't see men advertising voice-verified. Ha!

I compliment some people in handling this issue with aplomb and diplomacy. Rather than threatening blocking or muting or telling the person to F.O., some say quite simply, "My RL is fine. I'm here for the fantasy." I enjoy some people using their RL to up the fantasy tease by saying something like "More than you can possibly handle." Ha, ha! That's great!

Final Word
A profile is our calling card. Who are you? What do you want? But most importantly, why should I stop to talk to you? Yes, I'm sure you're a nice person and an interesting personality but could you make the effort to give me a clue that you are any of those things? I appreciate a good read, and I appreciate your time and effort. 

References

my blog: Anonymity and Total Freedom

my blog: I Never Touch You

my blog: Mind F*cking

2021-02-10

Second Life is a "literary" environment

While SL is many things — a 3D modeling platform, social media (Facebook on steroids as I like to say), a tool for creativity — I note that with profiles and IM chat, it is also a "literary" environment. While we can voice, most, if not all, of our communication is done via text. We write. We read. With the help of others, we are composing an interactive story. I could say that everyone in Second Life is, in one way or another, a writer.

I jokingly say that in SL, a man's prowess as a lover is judged not by the size of his manhood but by the size of his vocabulary.

In SL, we never touch. We only communicate. Consequently, how we communicate, how we write, is of the utmost importance. Not everyone knows how to write. Not everyone knows how to communicate. While SL is different from RL, it is in many ways similar. I like to point out that despite our avatar, despite our new identity, and despite anonymity, we remain irrevocably our RL mind. I've said elsewhere that anonymity is a gift that allows us to say or do anything we what without fear of criticism or condemnation. What do we do with the gift of "total freedom"? If someone is kind in SL; they're probably kind in RL. If someone is a jerk in SL; they're probably a jerk in RL.

The old joke is that the brain is our biggest sex organ. Stimulate it, and everything else falls into place. In my blog I Never Touch You, I describe a hypothetical scenario in real life where I set up two chairs back to back. I have you and your lover sit down. You can talk to one another and listen to one another, but you can't see each other or touch. In other words, you can only communicate. Can you chat, share, laugh, and cry? Can you make a connection? And finally, could you make love? Could you have sex? How truly open and honest are you willing to be? Can you be truly naked in front of another person, I don’t just mean physically, but intimately as in revealing your true self?

Welcome to Second Life, the new you, the fantasy you. You can be anything you want, both literally and literarily.

References

my blog: Anonymity and Total Freedom

my blog: I Never Touch You

my blog: Mind F*cking

2021-02-02