Ballroom Dancing and Relationships: D/s, BDSM, even Marriage

In RL, I’ve taken ballroom dance lessons. I’m in no way an expert, but I learned enough to have an appreciation for the work and dedication that goes into mastering what one could and maybe should consider a life skill.

My instructor was a woman. We started with the basics, the standard box pattern for the rhumba. She explained that the man always starts with his left foot. Why? Because the woman is always right. During our lessons, I found her to more than just an instructor, but a philosopher on life, love, and the pursuit of happiness.

As I worked my way through the various dances, waltz, cha-cha, tango, etc., and learning to turn, move back and forth, left and right, and pirouette, I slowly developed skills in not just steps, but in working with a partner.

In SL, observing people, talking with them, and interacting, I began to see ballroom dancing as a metaphor for relationships, whether we’re talking about dating, D/s (Dominant/submissive), BDSM (Bondage & Discipline, Sadism & Masochism), or even marriage.

In the following, I discuss my partner as a woman. I'm a heterosexual male, but these ideas could be applicable to any type of couple.

I extend my hand to a woman as an offer to dance. She can accept or refuse: It’s her choice. But if she accepts, we dance. My attention is completely focused on my partner. Nothing else in the world exists.

We dance according to rules. We both have a role to play. While the man leads, he does so with the full cooperation of his partner. Everything is consensual: The woman does this because she wants to. The man leads by guiding his partner in a series of predefined moves that his partner knows and has mastered. They improvise their dance much like musicians playing together. There is a structure (12 bars, agreed upon key signature, tempo), and it is within this structure that improvisation takes place.

The results are synergy: The whole is greater than the sum of the parts. Two knowledgeable people, skilled in their interactions, can merge into a coordinated unit, a magical choreography.

As I said, I saw ballroom dancing as a metaphor for relationships. From time to time, in reading profiles, I’ve run across people, men mainly, declaring themselves as Dom or Master. I can’t help wondering if those who advertise themselves as such truly understand what that means. Do these people know how to dance? I’ve read profiles of subs describing what they think is the ideal Dom, complaining of pretenders. A sub may submit, but a Dom must commit. Do the two of them know how to dance? Does the Dom know how to lead?

Ballroom Dancing in SL
Obviously, we’re not actually dancing. We’re animating our avatars based on somebody’s programming. Nevertheless, from my lessons, I see the various steps, cha-cha, tango, waltz, etc. and look at it with an appreciation stemming from learning and practising those steps.

I consider it a nice way to chat, get to know someone, and throw in the possibility of flirting: a touch, a tracing of the hand across the arm, and a whisper in the ear. I’ve mentioned elsewhere how people complain of overly aggressively males rudely asking for sex. I believe we all want to end up in the same place, an erotic connection, but how we get there makes all the difference in the world. There’s an old Chinese saying: “The journey is the reward.” Ballroom dancing can be a wonderful way of spending an intimate, one-on-one moment with someone else. It can also be a good way of discovering if there’s going to be a next step and what that step may be.

2019-10-07