Role Paying Sex: Wait! You’re not actually having sex?

Years ago, I read a comment in a user group where somebody thought sex in Second Life was stupid because people weren’t actually having sex; they were merely role playing it. Heck, they were faking it!

In a first-person shooter game like Call of Duty or Halo, you shoot a gun and kill bad guys, aliens, or monsters. However, you’re not actually shooting a gun and you’re not actually killing anybody. Following the same logic, Call of Duty is stupid.

Personally, I would rather role play intimacy than role play killing. But that’s just my preference.

So, are we all role playing, or are some of us actually “getting off”? Inquiring minds want to know!

While some people voice, I think the majority text. I’ve seen numerous people in profiles claiming that voicing ruins their fantasy. I do have to admit; there is a sort of “in your face” aspect to voicing. It’s like you’re no longer watching the movie; you’re in it.

Years ago, I was going through a sex scene with somebody. At the end of it, they explained they had actually had an orgasm in RL; what about me? I’m typing 60 words a minute, using my mouse to control not just my avatar but the various animations of the furniture we were using, and snapping pictures. It goes without saying that I don’t have a third hand.

Although, in joking about a third hand, I remember one lady explaining to me how she sat with a vibrating egg. We only have two hands, but we do have toys, some of them remote controlled. — I’ve discovered there are groups dedicated to Lovense where people swap control of their toys. — But returning to text messaging, I make the humorous paraphrase of the Zen Buddhist koan: “What is the sound of one hand typing?”

But let me come back to the idea that SL is SL and RL is RL. Most of the time, what’s going on in RL doesn’t come up. We’re in SL; we play in SL. Never the twain shall meet. Except when I get a BRB for a bathroom break.

However, a true story:

Several times over the years, it was apparent to me that my partners were pleasuring themselves. I told them: “Don’t type. Read my words. Watch our avatars. Just focus on yourself.”

For ten minutes or so, I would go through a scenario with no response from the other person. Total radio silence. I would type out the scene, describing my actions and my thoughts, emphasizing my own excitement about our scene together and my sexual reaction to it. Eventually, my partner would come back, and from that point, we would carry on. We would not discuss what had transpired in RL

I don’t have numbers, but I suspect the vast majority of sexual role playing remains just that, role playing. There is no real-life sexual activity. Some of us may have toys and may be able to do something, but most do not. Does that mean we’re not having sex?

I once read an article by a sex therapist who was dealing with long-distance relationships — soldiers who were overseas on a tour of duty, oil platform drillers who were away for weeks at a time — and the recommendation was that couples should have long-distance intimacy, including phone sex. This was to keep the love and lust alive.

In Second Life, I would put forward we are all doing the same thing. We may not be wildly doing the one-handed fandango in RL, but we are sharing the most intimate part of our being, our sexuality, with another person. We are exposing ourselves; we are making ourselves vulnerable; and we are confessing our most personal side.

As I said earlier, I find this far more enjoyable than picking up a gun and killing somebody, even if that person is an NPC in a game. But that’s just me. To each their own. When my partner “kills me”, I want to be lying in bed, my chest heaving and beads of sweat dotting my forehead, all with a big grin on my face. Beat that score Call of Duty! I win!

2025-10-26